


Just A Sip

by thewondering1



Category: Green Day
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-19 04:12:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 37,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7344415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewondering1/pseuds/thewondering1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Billie's just taking sips. They don't count, right?</p><p>TW: Alcoholism</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Alcoholism

     Billie knew he shouldn't have started again, but he rationalized it. Sips weren't a big deal. It wasn't anything to worry about. And anyway, it had only really been at New Years. He'd grabbed the wrong champagne glass and had a taste and he knew he should have put it back down without another thought, but in another gulp he finished it. It was the only one he had that night, though. And no one noticed. It was fine.

     And, really, even after that it was just sips of Adie's wine. Billie didn't know how she could drink it so slowly. She'd nurse the glass after dinner while watching TV or reading. It seemed like it took her hours to finish it although Billie knew he was exaggerating. But she never noticed when he took sips when she'd go to the bathroom or get up to get something.

     Billie knew he shouldn't have been doing this, but it was easy. It was there. And – he knew this sounded fucking stupid – but sometimes he just missed the idea of drinking. When things…a long time ago, before all of it happened, Adrienne had bought him this nonalcoholic beer and tried to encourage him to drink it more. But it wasn't the same. It didn't taste the same – he didn't care what Adrienne said about how she couldn't tell the difference. It didn't feel the same – even the fucking can in his hand felt weird, it just felt too small. He'd tried, he had and he bit his tongue instead of arguing with her about it. When the case was gone she didn't buy another and Billie knew she understood, on some level, even if she wasn't happy about it.

     And then when Adrienne wasn't around he'd started filling up his coffee cup with her wine from the fridge. Only a half glass or so in the beginning – just enough so he could go sit in his study and sip it a little. And then after a while he started filling the cup most of the way full. He'd go into his study, lock the door and put on an album or sometimes just flip through the TV channels.

     One night Adrienne went to the fridge to pour herself a glass while Billie was cleaning up. He'd just gotten the dishwasher loaded when he saw her make a face, tipping the bottle of wine. "I swore there was more in here," she mumbled it to herself and Billie jammed his teeth into his tongue and pretended he hadn't heard her. She didn't say anything else and instead Billie watched as she tipped the bottle to pour the rest into her glass.


	2. Late Night Grocery Store

     That night Billie couldn't sleep. They watched some TV show on Netflix that Adrienne wanted to watch. She curled up with him and Billie couldn't concentrate on the show, just kept thinking about what had happened earlier in the kitchen.

     Later that night he knew he was bothering her by being awake with all the tossing and turning. At some point she rolled away and mumbled something before pushing her head into the pillow. That was his cue to leave – usually he didn't bother her much but when she rolled around he got it.

      Downstairs in the kitchen he thought about how badly he wanted a drink. He thought about getting in his car and driving out to the grocery store. He'd put on sunglasses and some stupid hat and he'd pick out something hard like rum or tequila or maybe even some vodka. Fuck, Billie loved vodka. When he was looking to get drunk – and he didn't mean a little tipsy – he meant fucking wasted off his ass his favorite thing to drink was vanilla vodka. Billie could feel the way the vodka burned the back of his throat and how the vanilla flavor almost soothed his tongue just standing. He decided early on that liquor made it easier to catch up to everyone else. Mike and Tre could drink beers all night and get just as drunk but being smaller Billie just couldn't drink that much liquid at once. Liquor is quicker as the saying goes.

      Billie ran fingers through his hair and glanced around before going over to the closet on the other side of the room. It was mostly overflow canned goods, but he knew Adrienne kept her wine in here now. They used to have a wine rack on the counter but She took it down after…after he got home, fuck it Billie thought, after I got home from rehab. He hated how hard it was to let him think those words, but that's what had happened. He went to rehab. Anyway, he'd been home for four months or so before he'd wandered in here trying to find something and saw Adrienne's wine stashed back in the corner behind a carton of paper towels.

     Billie found her wine in the same place as always, though it was mostly empty. There was a bottle someone had given her for her birthday almost a year ago and the white wine she used for cooking occasionally. He let a breath out before standing up and closing the door. Adrienne usually had another bottle or two in there, usually something generic that he knew she wouldn't have noticed if it ended up opened and in the fridge.

     Swallowing Billie tip toed back upstairs, picked his jeans up off the floor of the bathroom and tip toed back down. He got out of his sweatpants and into the jeans, slid converse on and grabbed his car keys and wallet from the bowl in the kitchen.  
In the car Billie hesitated putting the key in the ignition. You're a stupid fuck, he told himself. You weren't supposed to keep it up. It was just supposed to be sips. You fucked up.

      Billie twisted the key and the car came to life. Backing out of the driveway he told himself that it was going to be fucking fine. A little wine to fall asleep never hurt anyone.

     It was almost 1:30AM when Billie got to the grocery store. He pulled the hood from his sweatshirt up and put the sunglasses on before he went in. He wandered aimlessly before going over to the wine. Taking a deep breath Billie glanced at the rows and grabbed the first thing he saw that looked like something Adrienne would have picked up for herself – some sweet red wine.

     He paid for it in cash – god forbid Adrienne saw the charge on their credit card and wondered what the hell he was doing at a grocery store in the middle of the night – and didn't saying anything to the clerk. Getting into the car he could feel the cool sweat against his back.  
At home Billie turned off his headlights before pulling into the driveway and parked in the same spot he always did next to Adrienne, trying his best to make it look like he hadn't been out. He made himself breathe in and out once going inside.

     In the hallway Billie kicked his shoes off and changed back into his sweatpants. Before heading downstairs he grabbed a coffee mug from the kitchen; locking the door behind him he took this big deep breath before continuing down the steps.

     On the couch Billie peeled away the wrapping and poured himself a full glass. It wasn't until now that Billie thought about how he could have gotten a bottle that was already cold. Billie twisted the cap open, thankful that it didn't have a cork, and poured into his cup.  
Billie finished half the cup in two gulps before putting it down on the coffee table. Reaching for the bottle again Billie refilled the cup to the top and swallowed. This'll be it, he told himself, I'll put it back upstairs when I'm finished. I'll stick it in the way back of the fridge and Adie won't notice – she's so busy – she'll just think she opened it and forgot about it. She does that sometimes, he told himself.

     He turned the TV on and started flipping through channels, trying to find something that looked remotely interesting. While he shifted through the channels Billie tried to force himself to take sips instead of gulping the entire thing down like before. The wine was way too sweet for his taste – wine had never really been his thing, anyway, but when he wanted a drink he didn't complain and took whatever he could get. It didn't matter what it was Billie would drink it.

      He ended up flipping back and forth between a basketball game, some home improvement show, and Fox News – of course he didn't really agree with them but he found it interesting to watch what they said. Anyway, it was almost 2:30 in the morning so he wasn't going to be too choosey.  
Billie ended up gulping down another cup full, even if he hated the sweet taste of it he enjoyed the act of sitting there drinking it. He liked the sting of how it felt in his throat – nowhere near as bad as the vodka but he could still feel it going down. And he liked how it made him flop against the couch and how for a while he wasn't thinking about how Adrienne said anything about the wine or how he actually had to go in the studio soon and start working on another album. He liked how quiet his head got and how for a while he didn't have to think about breathing slow and calming down.

     He poured himself another half glass even though he knew he should have stopped. The bottle was probably emptier than it should have been, but Billie knew it was pointless to worry about it now even though he knew he would anyway.

     Back upstairs he shoved the bottle of wine into the way back of the fridge, behind some leftovers he knew Adrienne wouldn't find it for a while. By then, hopefully, she'd forget about seeing the other wine bottle a little too empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys thanks for reading! More to come soonish.


	3. Chapter 3

Later that morning Billie woke up with his head pushed into a cushion from the sofa and a blanket draped over him. His throat felt dry and he felt almost nauseous. He could hear Adrienne upstairs talking to Joey – something about the band was all he could make out. As he pushed himself up the blanket fell and he glanced at it, swallowing. It was Adie's blanket from the couch in the living room. She'd found him here and brought it down. Thinking about it, he sunk back down into the couch and went back to sleep, curling up in the blanket and noticing how it smelled faintly like Adrienne.

The next time Billie woke up he felt even worse. His throat felt terrible and it took him a while to sit up without feeling like he might be sick. He almost laughed, thinking about what Tre and Mike would say about him having a hangover this horrible after just having some wine. Okay, so it was probably more like half the bottle, he thought and then bit into his lip. He smiled, slowly though, and still thought it was kind of funny. 

He hadn't been awake for more than fifteen minutes when he heard the door open from atop the steps and saw Adrienne bend down, peering in. 

She smiled, but it was short and made Billie swallow. "Hey, I was wondering when you'd get up."

He tried to smile back, bigger even, to show her nothing was wrong but he couldn't get the muscles in his face to cooperate. 

"Did you have a bad night? I know you got out of bed at some point." She'd walked over to him by now and Billie had to force himself to breathe more deeply so he wouldn't fucking panic.

"Yeah, I just didn't feel real well so I came down here," he lied. 

Adrienne frowned this time and put her arm around his waist. "Did you sleep okay? You look kind of pale."

Billie shrugged and said he'd slept all right and Adrienne started saying how if he wasn't feeling better tomorrow maybe he should go to the doctor – just for a once over to make sure. 

She pulled him closer to her and Billie swallowed, trying to smile. "Why don't I make you something to eat, all right? You probably need something in your system. Do you want something to settle your stomach or is it feeling okay?"

Billie closed his eyes for a moment. He really wanted some pancakes with butter and bacon. That was his favorite hangover food; admittedly he liked to drink a beer with it as well. But he couldn't ask Adrienne for that – apart from the fact that she thought he was sick he had a feeling she would immediately know what was actually wrong.

"Uh," Billie paused and had to take a deep breath, "I–I'm a little nauseous."

She rubbed his back. "How about some chicken noodle soup and toast? Start easy. And make sure you have a glass of water too, all right? You get dehydrated so easily…," she trailed off and Billie reached to squeeze her hand as they walked upstairs.

Billie sat down and before he could look up Adrienne was pouring him a cup of coffee. He smiled up at her and took a big sip, hoping that it made him feel even a little more awake.

He propped his head up at the table and watched as Adrienne moved around the kitchen. "So where's Joey today?" He took a big breath in before opening his mouth. 

"He's with the band – they're having practice and then whatever else." 

Billie nodded. Joey was flying back out to New York in another few weeks. He'd been taking drum lessons out there and had some lined up before swmrs started their next tour.  
"And Jake?" Billie lifted his coffee cup again, marveling at how good it tasted.

"He's with his band – I imagine they're having practice but I think practice might actually mean video games and skateboarding." She'd turned around to smile at him before getting a bowl down for his soup.

"As long as they're having fun. And anyway, Jake practices enough. He'll be fine."

Adrienne laughed and put the bowl in front of her husband and then returned with a glass full of water, setting it down in front of his coffee cup.

"Are either of them coming home for dinner?" he asked, already started in on the soup while Adrienne put a few slices of toast on a plate for him.

"I wouldn't count on it," she said, smiling, "you know how they get."

Billie smiled and nodded. With Joey on tour and living in New York otherwise Billie felt like he hardly saw him anymore. Okay, so Billie knew that really wasn't true. Joey was home often enough and when they played local shows Billie and Adrienne almost always went to support him. But it had been weirdly empty without him home as much. Jake was around still, obviously. He had two more years of high school left. But even he was opting to stay out with friends and he had his own band that he was busy with as well. He'd tried to savor time with Jake because he knew how quickly he'd be out of the house like his brother. 

"You must be enjoying that," Adrienne said. She'd sat down next to him and had the newspaper spread out in front of her. 

Billie smiled, "It's good, thank you Adie."

He tried to take a deep breath in while finishing the rest of the soup. He still felt a little nauseous, but it seemed better than before. And his throat wasn't as dry after all the water.

"I don't know if you're feeling well enough but we're having dinner with Natalie tonight…," she trailed off like she didn't know what to say, her eyes glanced up at him for a second and then back down. The way she did it made him feel guilty.

"Uh," Billie swallowed and before he could say anything else Adrienne started again, "If you're not feeling well enough that's okay. I can go by myself it's no big deal."

Billie nodded and then bit into his tongue – his head still hurt, "No, it's okay. I'll go with you. I think I'll feel better by then anyway."

Billie could tell from how wide she smiled how genuinely happy she was. 

She got up; kissing the side of his head and Billie let out a breath and smiled. "I love you." 

"I love you too," Billie said, watching the way her eyes sparkled at him. It made him relax back into the chair for the first time all morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks and I hope you enjoyed! <3


	4. Wine Glass Watcher

After brunch Billie got a shower, trying to feel more human. Food had helped a lot and he did feel a lot better now. Still, once he was cleaned up he went into his study and collapsed onto the couch. 

At some point Adrienne came in – he was half awake and had a Circle Jerks album on. She ruffled his hair and Billie still felt kind of drowsy. 

"Can I sit with you?" Her voice was all sweet like honey and it made Billie sink into the couch.

"Hmhm, sure," he rolled over and saw her smile, all sweet and it made him breathe deeply in and out.

Billie ended up laying there with his head in her lap until they had to get ready to leave for dinner. Adrienne read and Billie put a pillow down and drifted in and out of sleep. By the time Adrienne was saying something about getting ready to go Billie was feeling most of the way back to normal. He still felt a little off – he couldn't really describe it – but it was miles better than this morning.

And being with Adie always helped. She could make him relax. He couldn't explain it, but he relaxed into her touch in a way he couldn't with other people. He breathed more deeply and his mind became clearer. For a while, with Adie, he didn't have to worry. 

Getting dressed Billie picked out an outfit that made him look more like an adult than an old punk. As he got dressed he watched Adrienne do her makeup in the bathroom from across the room and smiled. 

Adrienne was gathering her purse, checking to make sure she had everything she needed before they left she turned to him. "Are you sure you don’t mind coming still?" she had a concerned glint in her eye.

Billie moved in and kissed her on the lips, he didn't do anything fancy, mostly just wanted to let Adrienne know he was all right. "I'm fine, I don't mind. I might not eat a lot, but I'll be okay."

She smiled and studied his face before saying that she was glad he was coming.

At the restaurant Billie smiled and hugged Adrienne's sister, Natalie, and said something about how great it was to see her again. Before sitting down he watched as Adrienne and Natalie did the same and immediately started talking. Billie had always enjoyed watching them together; they'd always been close, Natalie had moved out to California when Adrienne came to visit him years ago. He always thought they acted more like best friends than sisters and had hoped that Joey and Jake would grow up the same way.

Billie quietly looked through the menu while they talked. He knew he'd have to eat something and he was trying to find something that would be both filling yet still easy on his stomach. 

The waiter came to get drink orders from them and Billie was so lost in thought, paging through the menu that Adrienne had to prompt him. "Billie, what did you want to drink?"

He pulled his head up from the menu a little fast and glanced around feeling his face get warm. Adrienne was trying to help and he knew she didn't even give prompting him like that a second thought anymore but he fucking hated when he got stuck in his head like that. It was about the stupidest shit most of the time, too. Everyone always seemed to think he was thinking about song lyrics or guitar riffs, but more most of the time it was complete crap.

Billie took a breath before glancing up at the waiter, who had started to look more than a little impatient. "Uh, I'll just have water with no ice. Thanks."

Adrienne and Natalie had taken the moment to start paging through their own menus and both didn't seem to notice how out of it he'd been.

"I'll be back with your drinks then," he said before putting his pad back into his pocket and walking off. 

"So Billie have you been working on anything lately?" Natalie asked, looking up from her menu.

"Ah, you know I don't kiss and tell," Billie smiled and watched as Natalie and Adrienne laughed.

What Billie really meant by that was that he wasn't working on anything at all and had no idea when or if the next album would come out. Okay, so if was a total joke. But still, Billie had nothing together right now. He fooled around at home in his study, but that wasn’t really anything.

"So you are working on something then," Natalie eyed him, still with a smile on her face.

Billie shrugged. "I mean, I'm always working on something. But nothings definite yet. Y'know I’m just seeing what works right now," he said.

"Billie'll figure it out," Adrienne affectionately rubbed his arm and for a few moments he wished they were back home cuddled in bed watching TV instead.

The waiter returned with drinks and Billie swallowed when he sat down two glasses of wine before his water. He'd also brought a basket of bread along with plates, sitting them down in front of them before saying he'd be back for their orders.

Billie watched Adrienne pick up her glass and take what he considered to be the tiniest sip of wine he could imagine. He told himself to flip the menu page for something to do and started to read the steak selections. Natalie and Adie were still talking among themselves while he studied the page and watched as Natalie picked up her glass and drank from it.  
"Billie's been plenty busy," Adrienne put her arm on top of Billie's and it made him jump. 

Adrienne smiled and squeezed his arm. "Didn't mean to scare you," she turned to him as she said it and Billie forced himself to take this deep breath in.

"You didn't, I, just," Billie had to stop for a second because he knew he sounded like a fucking idiot. "Just reading the menu, that's all."

The waiter came back over before they could continue their conversation and Billie was a little thankful for it. Adrienne ordered a black bean veggie burger (of course), Natalie ordered some chicken Alfredo and Billie ordered a salad with chicken. He felt relieved when Adrienne didn't make a face or say anything about how he didn't order much; she only kept her arm on top of his and squeezed it after. 

When the waiter had left Natalie started the conversation again. "What have you been up to Billie?"

He shrugged, "Hanging out with Joey before he leaves for tour again, though it's nearly impossible. His band is always practicing. And doing the same with Jake, mostly."

Adrienne smiled, "You wouldn't have it any other way."

Billie smiled and Adrienne squeezed him again before moving her hand away. "Yeah, you're right. It's just hard to believe all that time has passed some days."

Natalie brought up how strange it was to have her own daughter, Paris, out of the house as well – she'd moved into the same apartment in New York as Joey, they were roommates. 

Adrienne picked up her glass again and Billie starred at it as it moved from her lips back down the table. He pulled his water closer to him and took a long, not refreshing sip and wished that there was something – anything – in that drink other than water.

The two continued to talk – Adrienne bringing up Atomic Garden and how she was thinking about expanding the clothing more. Billie nodded and tried to interject occasionally, but he couldn't stay engaged in the conversation. Instead, Billie watched their wine glasses. How full they were and how often they went to take a sip. 

Adrienne kept trying to drag him in like she'd been doing before, but this time she side eyed him with that "are you all right?" look that, as much as he loved her, he'd come to hate over the years. After Billie took a deep breath and excused himself for the bathroom. 

Inside he stared at himself in the mirror and swallowed. All he could think about was how much he wanted that wine. How much he hated to see it sitting there when he couldn't fucking have any. Billie knew that made him sound like a three year old but he didn't care. So fucking what, he thought, I'm tired of sitting here and not being able to have a fucking beer once in a while. Or a fucking glass of wine. 

He turned the water on and tried to splash some on his face before going back – tried to calm himself down. He knew he was being ridiculous, but the drinking was starting to eat at him. 

While they ate Billie did his best to seem more engaged in the conversation. He made some jokes and got everyone smiling for the last half of the meal. He had to remind himself to keep taking big breaths and mostly stared at his salad to keep from watching the wine glasses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! And feel free to let me know if you're enjoying it! :)


	5. Chapter 5

In the car on the way home Adrienne squeezed Billie's hand at a red light, playing with his fingers in hers. "Were you all right at dinner?" Her voice was tentative like she hadn't wanted to ask and Billie appreciated that even though he felt like he shouldn't have.

"Yeah, I was fine." He smiled and squeezed her fingers before the light turned green and he needed both hands to drive. 

"You just seemed to have a hard time talking tonight." She had that worried edge to her voice and it made Billie want to bite down on his tongue too hard.

Billie took a moment and glanced over at her and then tried to breathe so he wouldn't sound like a fucking idiot. "Just kind of tired, but I'm all right," he said, trying to smile as he pulled back into their driveway.

Before they went in Adrienne went around and hugged him, pushing her head into his chest. "All right. I just worry about you, I know you get stuck sometimes."

She squeezed him tightly and Billie had to take this long breath before leaning down to kiss the top of her head. He knew she meant "stuck in his head" – she knew that sometimes when he got quiet he got stuck, would stop listening and fall out of the conversation. Over the years she'd learned subtle ways to get his attention – pulling on his jacket or asking him a question to jolt him into the conversation. And Billie also knew that Adrienne knew he was probably feeling anxious or upset about something if her usual tricks didn't work. Sometimes Billie hated how well Adrienne knew him and how well she could read his face.

When they got in Billie checked in on Jake – he was up watching YouTube videos in his bedroom.

"How did practice go?" Billie leaned against the doorway and ran fingers through his hair, trying to make himself appear a little more awake than he really was.

Jake shrugged, pausing the video he was watching and then glanced back up at his dad. "It was good. We're trying out some new stuff but I dunno if it's working or not."

Billie smiled. "You'll get there – it takes time."

He shrugged again and Billie smiled, a little wider. "Listen, tomorrow I can come down and work on some stuff with you if you want. Sometimes it can help to have fresh ideas."  
Jake glanced up from his lap. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, of course! We'll go over to jingle town and hangout. It can be just us if you want or you can invite everyone." Billie walked over to ruffle his hair while he talked.

"Okay, cool. Thanks dad," Jake lit up and it made Billie feel like the good father he'd always wanted to be.

"I'll see you tomorrow, all right? And don't stay up too late," Billie said, his hand on the doorway.

"I will!" Jake shouted as Billie was walking down the hall and they both laughed. 

That night Billie crawled in bed and laid his head on Adrienne's chest. She slid fingers into his hair and massaged his head. The TV was on low but Billie wasn't paying any attention to it – he really just liked listening to Adie's heartbeat. She relaxed him so much he fell asleep before her and Billie had never been more thankful for it.

The next morning Joey didn't run out of the house right away and even though Billie never would have said this to him he was thankful to have him home, even just for a little. They sat together and had coffee over Fidlar's newest album – the lead singer Zac had been helping swmrs put together Drive North, their newest album. 

Since Joey was set to leave for New York and then tour, Billie had been waxing nostalgia about Green Day's early tours. 

"Make sure you always have something to eat in the van. There's going to be one day when you're asleep or it's 2AM and you stop for gas and you don't want to get out and then you wake up later starving and it's hours and hours until you get to the venue. And buy an extra pack of socks. They come in handy," Billie watched as Joey rolled his eyes. "And go on amazon before you leave and buy like ten of the longest charging cables for your phone you can find. You'll lose one or leave it at the venue or hotel eventually."

Joey smiles when Billie finished. "You know you told me all this before, right?" He took a swig of coffee when he was done, still smiling.

"I know, but it's different this time. You're going on your first real tour," Billie played with the handle of his cup, worrying that he was starting to bore Joey.

"I've been on tour before dad, I know how it works. I did Warped Tour all those years." He got up for more coffee and picked up one of Adrienne's muffins before sitting back down.  
"You always had someone's parents with you before," Billie argued.

"Okay, true," Joey smiled and Billie knew without him saying anything that he was excited for this tour, more than the others. The other tours had been supervised, to an extent anyway. Billie knew the boys had gotten up to a few things throughout the years – and he was sure that there were things that he didn't know about, too. But they'd always had someone looking out for them, watching over to make sure everything went as planned.

"Just try to think ahead. If you're going to go out make sure you –,"

"Dad, come on, I told you we're not going out. We're barely going to have time to sleep let along go out drinking or whatever," Joey looked annoyed and Billie had to take this big deep breath in before he finished.

"Just listen, okay? If you guys go out make sure you at least stay in pairs. Make sure someone knows where you're going. Look out for each other and don't drink too fast. You have to go slow at first. I know it doesn't look cool to go slow, but seriously it's going to be better not to mention cheaper. Stick to well-lit streets and make sure you know how to get back to the van or the hotel and charge your phone before you go out." Billie took another sip of coffee, more trying to hide how anxious he was than anything else. Joey had turned 21 almost six months ago and he had no allusions that Joey hadn't drank before he was 21 – he'd done a year at college for god's sake so he knew it wasn't going to be his first time. That didn't make him any less nervous about it, though. When he went to rehab – he fucking hated saying that word, even to himself – he'd tried his best to be open with both of his boys about what had been going on. Adrienne had reassured him that he'd done a good job, but all of this still felt so hard to talk about. Billie didn't want to encourage Joey to drink, but he didn't want to make it out to be forbidden either –- it was hard to walk the line in between.

"And," Billie continued, "If something happens – doesn't matter what – and you think mom might freak out just call Tre, he'll bail you guys out if you need it."  
Joey busted up laughing just before Billie did. "Okay, I'll remember that."

"You'll be all right," Billie said. He really wasn't that worried about Joey – he knew he would be fine. He was a better kid than he was at that age and he knew that the rest of swrms took what they were doing pretty seriously, too. But at the same time Billie was a dad and it was kind of his job to worry about all these types of things. 

"So what did you think of this?" Joey gestured to the record player set up on the bookcase beside them.

Billie nodded, "They're good, I really like it. I'll have to go out and pick up their other stuff."

_I figured out as I got older that life just sucks when you get sober / figured out as I got older that life just sucks when you get older._ Billie listened to the lyrics and thought about how he'd talked to Zac last fall about addiction. Swmrs had gotten to know them and Billie remembered how Joey brought it up. He reached out to Zac and they talked a few times – he knew how nice it was to talk to people who understood what you were going through. Billie stressed how good he felt being sober, how involved in things he was now and how clear headed he felt. And it had been true. He did feel better – he could go out and have fun and socialize without drinking himself stupid. He could get up in the morning and not feel sick all day. He could be involved and present in ways that he hadn't been able to before. And Billie thought it was worth it. He still thought it was worth it and he knew he had to climb himself out of the fucking ditch he'd found himself in.

"Yeah, I think you'd really like their first album. I know it's cliché to say this, but it's a little raw compared to this. I think you might like it more," Joey had started talking and it jolted Billie Joe back into what was happening. He nodded and pretended to take a sip of coffee though his mug was empty.

"Yeah, I'll," Billie closed his eyes for a second. "I'll pick it up when I go out next."

Joey looked down into his coffee cup and Billie took a moment, letting his breath fall in and out evenly. He knew Joey had caught him spacing out and he hated how disappointed and shitty it made him feel. 

"Hey," Billie sucked in a deep new breath, "Why don't you put on some music on the patio and we'll play a few games of ping pong, all right?" 

Joey smiled, looking back up and he hoped it was all forgotten about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shameless plug, if you haven't listened to Fidlar yet go do it now! They're really awesome and they'll also be touring with Swmrs this fall!
> 
> As always, I really hope you guys enjoyed :). Thanks for all the comments and support -- sorry this one took a little while!


	6. Chapter 6

That afternoon Billie and Jake went down to jingle town together. He hadn't been back in the studio very much since he'd gotten home. He'd tried a couple times, but he couldn't get the right vibe and sat around worrying about how he didn't have anything to work on instead of trying to fool around. Instead, Billie had been sticking to his study at home. He could work on things without as much pressure, although admittedly he still didn't really have anything together. 

"I'm going to get set up, okay dad?" Jake had already gone to get his guitar out.

"Yeah sure, I'm going to make some coffee," Billie went into the kitchenette started fiddling with the coffee maker. 

While Billie waited for the coffee to finish Jake had already set up and was playing around on his guitar. Billie stood there, just listening and let out a deep breath. At Jake's age Joey had rarely let Billie in on what he was up to with music. They could sit around talking about records for hours, but the time he spent downstairs in the practice room was his and his alone. Billie respected it. Or at least tried to anyway. He listened in occasionally when he thought Joey wasn't looking and went to shows, although Joey had never seemed to mind him listening there the same way as when he practiced. 

Billie went back into the other room with Jake, a cup of coffee in his hand and they started to get to work. They went through songs Jake was having trouble with and Billie made suggestions, played rifts and listened as Jake played them back. Most of the afternoon as spent with them going back and forth, bouncing ideas. Jake would take his iPhone out to record rifts occasionally and also scribbled in a notebook.

By the time Jake was putting his guitar away Billie realized that they were late for dinner. He bit into his lip and fished his phone out, dialing Adrienne's number.  
"Hey," Adrienne said, answering the phone. Her voice made him feel warm inside. 

"Hey, Jake and I are still at the studio – I'm sorry I lost track of the time. We'll be leaving in a few." He didn't think Adrienne would be mad, but he felt bad about it all the same.

"You guys have fun?" She sounded like she was smiling.

"Yeah, it was really good. We worked on a lot of stuff."

"Good, I'm glad. I'll see you when you guys get home, all right? I love you." Her voice was all thick and warm like honey.

"Sounds good, I love you too 80."

 

Dinner was good. Everyone was home and Adrienne had made one of her favorite meals for dinner. Billie knew it was silly, but he was just happy to have both his boys home for a meal. Joey talked about tour starting and Jake talking about what we'd worked on in the studio today. While they were eating Adrienne caught his eye and smiled at him – she knew how much he was enjoying this. 

After dinner they all helped clean up – Joey went downstairs to practice on his drum pad and Jake went upstairs to work on homework. 

Adrienne walked up to Billie after the boys left, wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his shoulder. Billie smiled, squeezing her back.

"I love you, you know that right?" 

Billie laughed, kissing her. "I love you, too."

"Would you want to go to the movies tonight? I thought it might be nice," she pulled her head off his shoulder, arms still around him.

Billie breathed in deep. "Tomorrow? I–," Billie fumbled and had to take another breath. "I kind of felt like just lying low tonight. Maybe you could find something for us to watch here?"

Adrienne didn't look at him all worried like he thought she would; instead she kissed his cheek. "That sounds great," her voice was sweet and Billie felt his shoulders relax. 

Billie ended up sitting next to her while they watched one of her favorites, Pretty Women. He didn't mind watching it again and halfway through he ended up leaning into her, half asleep. He wasn't actually asleep, he was still listening to the movie wrapped up in Adie's blanket all warm and he loved feeling her play with his wedding ring with her hands. He loved how she didn't mind that his eyes were closed and how she understood that sometimes he really didn't want to go out and be surrounded by a ton of people. That sometimes all he wanted was to be home with her and his boys.

 

The next day was the start of the week – Jake went back to school and Adrienne had work to do at Atomic Garden. After Jake left for school Billie had a light breakfast with Adrienne. He opted for coffee and a banana nut muffin and Adie ate a cup of oatmeal with berries. She had a binder full of things to look through for Atomic Garden and Billie had the newspaper laid out in front of him, flipping through it casually. 

Billie had always admired how dedicated she was to her store. He loved to go with her and watch as she tested new products, moved displays around and talked to customers. The store was one of the places where Adrienne really shined and he was glad she had a place of her own to do that.

Admittedly, Billie knew he hadn't been taking very good care of his own shop, Broken Guitars, lately. Bill had been bugging him to come in and do a few things and he kept saying he'd do it later – tomorrow, next week, whenever. Billie liked new projects, he liked moving and doing things and working, but at the same time he knew he had the tendency to forget and wander off. He wasn't as good with upkeeping projects as he knew he should have been. Thankfully Bill, their tour manager who co-owned it with him, was pretty understanding most of the time.

After putting her cup in the sink Adrienne put an arm around Billie's neck; he laughed when he felt her and she smiled and moved to sit in her own chair.

"I should probably get going to Atomic Garden soon. Did you want to come with? We could do lunch out somewhere," she asked as she packed up her binder.

Billie let the paper lay flat and glanced up. "I think I'm just gonna stay home, is that all right?"

Adrienne smiled, "of course, I don't mind. I have a lot of stuff to work on anyway, you'll probably be bored."

"Nah, I wouldn't get bored," he objected. Though, she did have a point. Sometimes when Adrienne had a lot to get done he had a habit of leaving after an hour or so to go off to a coffee shop or wander around 123 Go!, a record shop nearby.

"I'll be home for dinner, but you do whatever you want for the day, all right?" She'd started to put the binder and everything else she needed into a woven bag.

"Okay, that sounds good. I love you," Billie got up, kissing her on the cheek and she smiled. 

"I love you too. Text me and let me know what you're up to, okay?" She was still smiling as she walked down the driveway and it made Billie felt warm inside. 

After Adrienne left Billie wandered into the living room and flipped the TV on. There were things Billie could do today. A lot of things, really. He could sit in his study and try to go through new songs and listen to music. He could see if Joey wanted to hangout when he woke up. He could just go down to a coffee shop and get a cup and sit around for a few hours and try to work or give up and read the paper. Really, though, Billie didn't feel like doing any of those things. All he'd done lately when he tried to work was stare at the wall and listen to records. Part of him knew that he always did this. Always sat around and stared at walls and didn't work on something until BAM it was there. But he still hated the interim; he hated how it made him feel like everything he wrote was crap. It had been a while – okay so probably more like a long time – since he'd gotten settled at home after everything and he still hated everything that came out. 

Feeling a buzzing sensation against his leg Billie jolted out of his thoughts and moved to fish his phone out of his pocket. He smiled when he saw the text was from Mike.

_Hey want to get lunch around 1?_

Billie smiled a little bigger and tapped back a response. _Sure! That sounds great._

They hadn't seen each other in a while and Billie had been really happy to see that name pop up. During rehab things hadn't been really great between him and the rest of the band. When he came home they'd gotten better for sure, but even then Billie still felt like they were shaky. They'd gotten together for band meetings a few times and things were a lot better. Billie knew the guys weren't going to up an abandon him. He knew they'd stick by him, but part of him still felt guilty for everything in the past. 

Before going to see Mike Billie made himself go in his study and put on a record. He picked up a notebook and scribbled a few things in it – just thoughts, ideas. Nothing too serious. He wanted to try and get himself to relax. Sometimes – okay so probably a lot of the time – Billie felt like everything had to come out perfect on the first try. And he knew that was crap. He knew that's not how albums got made. He knew it was trial an error and he knew the anxiety of wanting the album to be perfect was overruling the more rational side of his brain. 

Thinking about it Billie could remember one particular day working on American Idiot. They were almost finished and Billie was going through, listening to the songs as they were mixing and started rambling that Wake me up When September Ends didn't sound right, that it didn't make sense and it didn't fit with the rest of the album. He sat their arguing with Rob Cavallo about how they should take it off the album. Billie could remember how Rob told him he was being ridiculous and called for an early lunch break. He told Mike and Tre to take him out for lunch to relax. Billie remembered how he argued he didn't want to break and Mike came up to him and sternly told him he needed to, "chill the fuck out and come to lunch." 

He remembered being in a terrible mood through lunch, though Tre ordered him a beer. And then another when that was gone…and another. Mike tried to order him something to eat, but he didn't touch his burger, only ate the French fires and kept drinking the beers. By the time he got back in the car he was really drunk. Before they started back to the studio he burst into tears. He couldn't remember all of what he said, but the heart of it was that he'd gotten so anxious and worked up over the album that he'd started to tear it apart. Of course Rob was smart enough to not let him do that, but still. Billie could remember mumbling about how he just wanted his dad to be proud of him and how Mike put his arm around him and squeezed hard. 

Billie was a little early for lunch, but he got booth for him and Mike to share and sat down. He screwed around on his phone texting Joey about a few things and responded to a message from Adrienne about the new things at Atomic Garden while he waited. 

"Hey!" Billie heard Mike's voice and smiled when he saw him walking over. 

"Hey, how are you?" Billie smiled up as Mike sat down in front of him.

"I'm pretty good. What about you, how's Adie and the boys?" Mike smiled as he talked and started to flip through the menu.

"They're good – Adie's at Atomic Garden now doing stuff. Jake and I spent an afternoon in the studio this weekend and Joey's practicing for tour, getting ready to go back to NYC." As he talked Billie played with the bit of paper left from the straw for his soda. 

"That's good – when does tour start up for Joey again?" Mike glanced up from the menu while he talked.

"Another two weeks or so. He's going back out there to get ready with the guys and practice and stuff." Billie wanted to say something about how he didn't really think swmrs needed the extra practice, how tight they sounded but he didn't.

"That's cool," Mike looked up from the menu again in time to see their waitress coming back over. 

"Could I get you something to drink?" she had her pad out and ready.

"Sure, what beers do you have on tap?" Mike asked.

Billie felt his breath get caught in his chest and bit into his tongue. The waitress started going on about what they had to offer and all Billie could think about was that he wanted a fucking beer. Really, though, he wished Mike wouldn't have bothered. Right after…everyone had been kind of scared to drink around him. Well, maybe not scared, but definitely hesitant. Billie could remember going out to dinner as a group, everyone's wives and all and they ate somewhere they'd all eaten at in the past and all Billie could think about was how they'd always gotten a bottle or two of wine for the table to enjoy. Eventually Billie tried to explain that he really didn't mind if people wanted to have a glass of wine or get a beer when he was around. He didn't want the party atmosphere around him but the casual drinking was fine. 

And it had been. It really had. Billie hadn't minded it in the beginning. But now after all the crap he'd started with the champagne from New Years and the Adie's wine…

"So what have you been up to?" Mike's voice cut into Billie's head and brought him back into reality.

Shrugging he reached for his soda and took a sip. "Uh," Billie paused and had to take a breath, "Y'know, hanging out with Joey before he leaves for tour. And just hanging out with Adrienne a lot." He'd bitten into his lip when he was finished.

"That's cool," Mike was smiling but Billie knew what he really wanted to ask him about.

Billie sighed and used his straw to push the ice around in his soda. "I haven't really worked on the album at all. I don't really know what I'm doing with it. It's kind of a mess." 

"Hey, Beej?" He knew Mike wanted him to look up and he fucking hated it. After another moment Mike continued without him. "Look I'm not worried about when the new   
album's done. I mean, I'd really like to take it slow and hangout for a while with Britt and the kids. And I want us to take our time with it too. I think that would be good."

Billie let a breath out through his nose. "I know." He sounded pissed off even though he wasn't.

The waitress came back just after with Mike's beer, smiling when she sat it down in front of him. 

"Are you ready to order or did you need some more time?" she asked

Billie glanced up dumbly. "I, uh, some more time," he mumbled, thinking about how he hadn't even opened the menu yet.

"That's all right, take your time," she smiled again at the both of them before walking off.

Mike took a deep breath and tried to get Billie to look at him. "Billie, I'm really not worried about it. We'll get there. We always do. I know it takes time sometimes and that's okay."

"I–, I know. But I'm worried about it. I just," Billie stopped and swallowed before starting again. "I just can't seem to get anything out. And I know I’m being ridiculous about it. I know I need to walk away. But it's just hard to." Billie took a sip of soda before glancing back up at Mike again.

"You should go to the beach or something with Adie," Mike said, then reached for his beer.

 

Billie watched him take a sip. He took one long refreshing gulp, not those tiny ass sips that Adrienne would take of her wine. It made him swallow and he reached for his soda again. 

"I don’t' know, it's too cold to go to the beach. And anyway, Adrienne's doing all this work with Atomic Garden. She's busy, y'know…," Billie trailed off and finally opened the menu. 

Mike rolled his eyes. "You're being stupid and I know you know that."

Billie read through the menu and bit into his tongue. He knew Mike was right he just didn't want to admit it.

"Or you could go to New York with Joey before he leaves for tour. I know you've really been missing him even if you won't say it." Mike watched him carefully and Billie took a big breath in.

"He wouldn't want me to go with him. I don't want to bother him before he goes on tour," Billie talked while he flipped through the menu and didn't look up.

"Well, you need to do something. You're being really silly about all of this. Hell, go to the beach by yourself Billie. Or go to New York alone. You need to do something other than sitting around and stressing about the album." Mike took another sip of his beer when he was done and Billie slid his tongue under his teeth but didn't push down.  
He knew Mike was right, but actually doing something about it felt impossible some days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys thanks for reading! Let me know if you're enjoying :)


	7. Chapter 7

After lunch Billie wandered around Oakland aimlessly by himself. Mike had to get back to Britt and his kids and although he didn’t want to say anything he missed him. He'd been hoping that they'd be able to wander into some record stores together but Mike said something about having to get back and Billie just smiled and nodded. He understood even if he missed him. 

He went into Broken Guitars and chatted with Bill, signing forms and just giving the place a once over. Billie apologized for not coming in sooner and Bill just smiled knowingly. After, Billie went to a coffee shop but got a cup to go because he knew he was too jumpy to sit around long. 

While he was there, though, he pulled up the notes app on his phone and started trying to text something to Mike. He'd dropped the subject of him doing something to get the mind off the album when the waitress came to take their orders. After, Billie diverted the question and asked Mike about the kids and he got him talking. Mike wasn't stupid, though, he knew what he'd done. Billie also felt like an idiot for how he watched Mike's beer, too. He knew he paused talking to watch him take big gulps and he had a feeling Mike had noticed but probably didn't know how to bring it up.

_Hey thanks for doing lunch it was really good to see you. Also I know I said it was okay before but next time we hangout can it be alcohol free? All the album stuff has me kinda on edge and I know you're right about me needing to get out or do something. I'm going to figure something out with or without adie. Thanks for putting up with me –bj_

After Billie shoved his phone back into his pocket and left the coffee shop, heading in the direction of a few record stores. For a while he wandered in and out of different stores and picked up a few things. He found Fidlar's first record that Joey had said he should pick up and he'd picked up a few other things – they were gambles and he wasn't sure if he'd like them but he always thought of that as half the fun. 

It was almost time for dinner by the time Billie got back in his car and just before putting the keys in the ignition he pulled his phone out and sat texts from Mike and Adie.

_It was good to see you too! And I don’t put up with you, you're my friend. You need to get that in your tick head. And sure no drinks no problem. And beej if you wanna talk about anything or hangout more just say something. I know I get busy sometimes. Let me know what you decide to do then too._

Billie felt his cheeks flush warm. Some days he was really happy that he and Mike were still friends, that him going to rehab hadn't fucked everything up – that he hadn't fucked their friendship away because he couldn't stop drinking and chasing a high.

Hey thanks. I know I say it a lot but I'm glad to have you around. I'll let you know what I'm doing then.

Billie tapped it out and hit send before going to read Adrienne's text.

_Will you be home for dinner? Just me and you tonight boys are out. Xo_

Billie glanced down at the time and saw it was almost 6PM and Adie's text was half an hour old. She was used to him loosing track of time – it was kind of his signature sometimes – but he still felt bad.

Be home soon. Sorry I got distracted – had lunch with mike and then wandered around and bought some records. All my love. 

 

At home Billie found Adrienne on the couch knitting with a glass of wine on the coffee table. Right away she launched into saying that she had the food she'd made in the oven on the warm setting waiting for him and got up to go into the kitchen. She left her wine behind and Billie looked down at the glass, about half empty, and felt the breath get caught in his chest.

Sitting down to dinner Adrienne smiled as she dished out a plate before handing it to Billie.

"So how was lunch with Mike? How's he doing?" Adrienne sat down across from him and he smiled just watching her.

"Good," he started cutting chicken into smaller pieces. "We talked about the album and he told me about Britt and the kids."

She nodded. "How are they? We should really all have dinner again sometime."

Billie nodded too and started to eat. "They're good, just hanging out and enjoying themselves."

Adrienne smiled. "Good, I'm glad."

"How was Atomic Garden?" Billie took another bite when he was finished and thought about Adie's wine glass in the other room. He wondered if she'd found the wine he bought or if she'd bought more before coming home.

"It was good. Jamie and I still have a lot of work to do, but we got a dent in all of it. And I think we are going to expand the clothing, so we're trying to get the ball rolling on that…" Adrienne kept talking for another few minutes and Billie nodded enthusiastically and smiled as she did. 

"That's really cool. I'll go with you soon; I really wanna see all the new stuff." Billie smiled up at Adrienne while he talked.

"Maybe we can do lunch and stop in – I know you'll get bored if I drag you there all day." Adrienne glanced up at him and he rolled his eyes playfully.

"I would never dare get bored. I'd just wander off to the coffee shop when you weren't looking," Billie said.

Adrienne laughed. "Fair enough, I still don't think you want to sit through a whole day of me and Jamie going through things. We'll make a pit stop soon, though."

 

After dinner Adrienne went into her office to pull out a few things to work on for Atomic Garden. Billie offered to clean up, putting the dishes in the dishwasher and cleaning up the table. 

As much as he hated himself for it, he'd really offered because he wanted to see if he could steal some more of Adrienne's wine. Opening the fridge he saw a fresh bottle opened sitting just behind the door and next to the organic milk she liked. There wasn’t much gone from it so he knew he couldn't take any. Or at least he shouldn't. Reaching in the back he pulled out the bottle he'd bought the other night. He knew just because Adrienne hadn't drank from it didn't mean she hadn't noticed it, but Billie really wanted to get some wine and go sit in his study and relax. 

He pulled the bottle the whole way out, unscrewed the lid and poured until his coffee cup was full. Setting the cup on the counter he put the bottle away – back behind a few things and pushed the door shut. 

In his office Billie Joe locked the door behind himself, put the cup on the coffee table and collapsed into the couch. He waited a moment, breathing deeply in and out, and then reached for the cup and took a big gulp and started scrolling through the TV channels. 

He didn't know what he was going to do. Billie knew the whole drinking wine in a coffee cup thing was fucking ridiculous. Logically he knew Mike was right – he had to get out of the house and actually start doing something because sitting around trying to work on the album at home wasn't working. 

And he hadn't wanted to admit it then, but he really liked the idea of hanging out with Joey in NYC but he also didn’t want to butt in. He knew he was getting ready for tour, practicing, going over set lists, and hanging out with friends before he left. Billie really didn't want to tag along and bother him. He knew Joey probably would have said yes if he asked him to come along, but he didn't want him to feel obligated to say yes.

He knew he could go to the beach too, but really the idea of going down there by himself seemed worse than staying home. Adrienne and Jake could come for a long weekend – maybe take Jake out of school early on Friday – but it wouldn't really be the same as having them around the whole time. And as much as he hated himself for it he knew he'd spend the day sulking around on the couch instead of actually doing anything, which was exactly what he was doing now.

Billie reached for the coffee cup and took another gulp. He hated how sweet the wine was, but he liked how quiet it made his head and how it helped him relax. Flipping through channels he landed on a movie that was halfway over, but he didn't mind, and continued to sip his wine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I really hope you are still enjoying this! Sorry this chapter took a while -- I just started a new job so things might be slow for a little, though I do have some banked up. Thanks again, it really means a lot that so many of you are enjoying reading this! <3.


	8. Living, Breathing Distraction

An hour later Billie jumped from the couch when he heard Adrienne knocking on his door. Billie stumbled when he got up and in one not so swift motion he pushed the coffee up behind a pile of books before opening the door, trying to smile.

Adrienne smiled gently when she saw him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

Billie pushed his hair back. "No, it's okay, I just…," 

"I was just going to go up for bed soon," She smiled and put her hand on his shoulder, squeezing.

"Yeah, sure I'll be up in a little," Billie pushed his hair back while he talked and Adrienne squeezed his shoulder again and it made him smile.

Adrienne moved in to kiss him and Billie felt his chest tighten but forced himself to kiss her back instead of panic. She smiled when she pulled away, all warm and familiar looking and then turned to go upstairs.

Billie closed the door quickly, then turned around and leaned back against it and breathed deeply in and out. He rubbed at his lips and thought about how Adrienne had to have tasted the wine on his lips, though she hadn't seemed to. Instead of moving to go up to bed, he stood there breathing in and out like he'd just ran a marathon for a few more minutes. 

Before going upstairs Billie went took the coffee cup he'd used into the kitchen, rinsed it out in the sink and then put it in the dishwasher. Afterwards he went into their shared bathroom upstairs and brushed his teeth and used mouthwash. He knew she hadn't noticed because she wouldn't have hid it, but Billie could still feel the thump against his chest. 

Adrienne was already in bed wearing one of his oversized t-shirts when he walked in and it made him smile. She had the TV on but the volume was low and Billie thought she looked tired.

"Are you going to stay up a while?" Billie went over to his side of the bed and slid in.

She yawned. "Yeah, for a little bit."

Adrienne rolled over to lay her head on Billie's chest and he smiled. "I was thinking we could have a date night soon."

Billie moved down to kiss her head again. "Sure, that sounds good. You can pick what we do."

Adrienne laughed. "Okay. Sounds good." She snuggled into him and it made Billie take a big breath in and out.

They were quiet, Adrienne listening to the TV on in the background and Billie playing with her dreadlocks in between his fingers. Billie swallowed before he started again, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, what?" She turned to look at him for a moment and he hated how motherfucking anxious it made him.

He had to take another breath before he could start. "What would you think about me going to New York with Joey?"

She studied his face for a second and then smiled before laying her head back down. "I think that sounds like a great idea," she said, squeezing him, "did you say anything to Joey about this yet?"

Billie shook his head, "No, not yet. I haven't decided what I want to do." His fingers kept twisting her dreads while he talked.

"Well I think it would be good for you guys. I know you really miss him when he's gone," she said, squeezing him again.

Billie had his eyes closed, "Yeah. I do."

Adrienne pushed herself up, looking for the remote. "I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep, all right?" She looked back at Billie as she clicked the TV off.

"Yeah, sure," Billie's voice was quiet, almost distant.

Adrienne pulled up a blanket and went back to laying her head on Billie's chest. "You sure you're all right?" she squeezed his arm, and even though she couldn't see it Billie smiled.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Billie mumbled it and rubbed Adrienne's back. 

Billie didn't really feel fine, though. He could feel his anxiety unfurl in his stomach and it made him bite his lip. He knew he should have woken Adrienne but no matter what she said he hated to bother her. Really, he didn’t want to have to wake her and it honestly made him feel like a mother fucking pain in the ass. 

When he was sure she'd fallen asleep he slid out from underneath her and tip toed out of their bedroom. Billie had to take deep breaths as he walked away and when he was out he leaned against the closed door. 

He hated how he couldn't turn his fucking brain off and how sometimes it just went and went and went. He hated how stupid he felt for missing Joey when he was still home. 

Downstairs Billie found Joey flipping through the TV in the living room, one of the dogs lying next to him. He smiled watching them together and then saw Joey catch him.

"Hey, I thought you went up already," he said.

Billie shrugged, walked in and sat next to his son. "Couldn't sleep," he said, watching the commercials.

"Oh," Joey's voice was low.

Billie tried to pretend he hadn't heard how disappointed Joey sounded. "What did you do today? See the guys?"

Joey perked up and nodded. "Yeah, we went to dinner and fooled around more than anything."

"That's good, you guys deserve to have some fun before tour starts and you're sick of each other." Billie elbowed him and Joey smiled.

The show Joey had been watching – some survivor type reality show – came back on and they watched in silence. Billie wanted to ask him about New York but he couldn't get his mouth to open. 

When the commercials started again Billie took a big breath in. "So can I bounce an idea off of you?"

Joey glanced over at him, a little suspicious. "Sure, what?"

"What would you think of me tagging along to New York with you before you leave for tour? I wouldn't have to stay at your apartment – I could stay at mine. And we wouldn't have to hangout all the time or anything. I'm just," Billie had to pause to take a breath, "I think I need a change of scenery and to get out of here for a while."

 

Joey had a huge smile on his face when Billie turned to look at him. "Of course you can come! And you can stay at my apartment if you want. I think it would be cool to hangout in New York before I leave." He'd thrown his arm around Billie and squeezed. 

Billie felt himself exhale and leaned back into the couch. "Are you really sure? I don’t wanna be bothering you before you leave."

Joey rolled his eyes, "Dad, come on you're being silly. I know that you'll be happy to go sit in Starbucks for a few hours while I practice or meet with the band. I think it'll be cool."

Billie smiled, taking a breath in and out. "I'm glad you still like hanging out with your old man."

Joey rolled his eyes, but smiled. "You wanna watch a movie? I'm not really tired."

Joey made popcorn while Billie fooled around on Netflix, finally deciding on a buddy cop movie that didn't look like it would be awful. He didn't want to tell Joey this for a lot of reasons, but he was thankful he was home and awake to hangout with because if he was going to be honest he'd been thinking about finishing off that bottle of wine. Billie knew, logically, that there were a lot of other things he should be doing instead but having Joey here as a living, breathing distraction helped more than he could put into words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, hope you're enjoying! Thank you so much for the comments and please keep them coming! <3
> 
> Also, happy tour! If you haven't managed to get tickets yet, don't freak there is still friday! If you have, congrats! I'll be seeing them in Philly at the end of the month and I can't even talk about how excited I am. It has been far too long since I've seen them!


	9. Three in the Corner

The next day Billie talked to Adrienne about going to New York at breakfast. She was smiling as he talked about what he was planning on doing.  
"I'm really glad you're going to spend some time with him," she said, looking up from the section of newspaper she had. 

He'd spilled to Adie about how he was having a hard time with the new album, how every time he sat down to write he couldn't get anything out. "I-I," Billie had to stop and swallow before starting again. "I've just been in a rut lately and I'm hoping it helps get me going again."

Adrienne smiled, all warm and moved to take Billie's hand in hers. 

"I think it'll help a lot. And I think putting it away for a while is good. I know you get all wound up about it sometimes. I think the time away from home and away from music will do you some good."

Her voice was all soft like it always was and it made Billie take a big breath in and out. All Billie could do was hope she was right. Hope that the trip helped and somehow he was able to figure everything out. 

Later he texted Mike hey, talked to Joey and I'm going to NYC with him at the end of the week. Maybe we could hangout before I leave? And thanks for the suggestion.  
He texted Tre, too and let him know he wasn't going to be around. They hadn't been getting together as much, though he and his new wife Sara had been going on vacations and just hanging out. Billie kind of got they wanted some privacy for a while and he understood even though he missed Tre. 

Before the TV show Billie was watching ended Mike texted back.

Sure, sounds great! We could do dinner with tre too?

Billie smiled before typing back.

Awesome. If you wanna bring birt and the kids, you can. Adie and the boys could come as well.

He leaned back into the couch, still smiling. Hard to say about the boys, but I'll see what I can work out. Let me know what's good for you. And thanks again mikey.   
Sometimes all Billie could think about was how grateful to have friends like Mike who knew when he was getting into a funk or going too off the rails. Friends who weren't afraid to kick him in the ass and get him to do what he really needed to do. 

He continued to watch TV, scrolling through the news on his phone at the same time when a text message from Adrienne came through.  
Meet me for lunch? I miss you. 

Billie smiled and felt his face flush warm. Adrienne had left in the morning to go to Atomic Garden, she hadn't mentioned bringing him along and he hadn't said anything. He knew she had a lot to do and he also knew that even if he insisted not, he would get bored.  
Of course! I can leave in a few. Love you. 

Billie raced to change out of the ratty shorts he was wearing and find a pair of shoes. He grabbed his wallet and keys before heading out the door. 

Adrienne was already there waiting when he walked in. She'd picked this cute little luncheonette place – all they served was vegan food, of course.   
She was beaming when she saw him walk in and all Billie could do was marvel at how beautiful she could look. They hugged before he sat down, Adrienne's hands all warm against his back. 

"It's good to see you," she was still smiling and Billie smiled back.

"Good," Billie said, reaching across the table to hold her hands. "So how's the store? Can I come see everything?"

"It's good, really good. I’m just setting things up and trying to go through shipments and talk to Jamie about what we're doing with clothing. We're going through samples and things."

"That's great. I can't wait to see it. I…," he trailed off, clearing his throat to try and cover it up. He'd wanted to say something about how he knew it had been forever since he'd stopped by the store and how he felt bad about it, but he couldn't get it out. 

Adrienne smiled, squeezing his hands. "We can go over after lunch."

Adrienne went up to the counter to order and Billie watched her, still smiling. He knew it was stupid, but sometimes all he could do was marvel at how well she put up with him. Sometimes Billie really felt like he didn't deserve her at all. 

"So how has your day been?" she was smiling when she sat back down, sliding a can of soda in front of him.

He took a moment, opening his soda before talking. "Okay – just told the guys I was going to New York with Joey and we're thinking about having dinner together. Would you want to do one of those big dinners – you know all the family together?" 

"Sure, if you want. I should be able to be there. If we could not have it at the house, though –,"

Billie cut her off. "We'll have it out, I don't think Mike was thinking about having it at home." 

"Okay," Adrienne looked relieved. "I just don't really have time to do the cooking or the cleaning up, I don't really mind but…" 

"I know you're busy right now, it's okay. I wouldn't do that to you right now," Billie said, taking a sip of his soda.

Their food was delivered a second later, Billie heard Adrienne say thank you to the girl who brought it out and he knew he nodded his head at her, like a fucking idiot. Right as she set the plates down Billie saw the display of beer on the counter – there were only three but he couldn't stop looking. He hated how much he wanted one. How he was fantasizing about how it would taste going down his throat – all cold and refreshing and how it would bubble in his head.

"Don't you like it?" Adrienne's voice, all quiet bounced around in his head for a moment before he blinked and glanced down at the plate in front of him.  
"I–yeah, sorry, just." Billie's chest got tight and Adrienne smiled and said something that he didn't listen to. 

It took another minute before Billie could pick up his fork and shove some salad into his mouth. 

"If you don't like it you can go get something else," Adrienne's voice sounded all quiet and small in his head.

"No, it's all right, it's great actually," Billie smiled and wanted to explain – wanted to say something about how he'd gotten distracted and got stuck but he couldn't get the words out and didn't want to disappoint Adie. 

"Good," she was smiling now and her voice sounded more herself, more full which helped Billie relax back into his chair.

Somehow Billie got Adrienne to start chattering about her new knitting project – she wanted to make sweaters for swmrs this year for Christmas. Billie smiled and nodded while she talked. It gave him a second to chill, take a deep breath and try and relax and he was beyond thankful for that. 

In the back of his head all he could think about was the beer, how cold and delightful it would taste. He hated himself for it. He hated everything about it. This was something Billie had thought throughout the years over and over and over, but goddamnit sometimes he just wanted to be motherfucking normal. 

"I was even thinking about going over to that store on the corner and seeing if they had that black sparkly yarn I want. I know I could order it online but I'd really rather not. Would you want to come with me? I could duck out of Atomic Garden a little early and we could wander around." Adrienne took a sip of her soda, glancing up at Billie when she set the can back down.

Billie took a look up from his mostly eaten salad and had to wait a second while he thought about what she'd even said. Something about yarn and atomic garden. "Uh, sure, yeah that sounds great." Billie smiled and took another sip of his soda, wishing it were a beer instead.

When they were done Adrienne took their plates up to the counter and Billie threw their soda cans away in the recycling. Outside, Adrienne put her arm around Billie's waist and he could feel himself relax into her touch. He took a big breath while they walked to the crosswalk and then stopped, waiting until it was their turn to walk.  
Adrienne stepped closer to him before asking, "Are you all right? You seemed a little stuck."

Billie reached for her hand and, if he was being honest, wanted to fucking melt into the sidewalk. Instead he forced himself to take a big breath and try to relax before opening his mouth. "Just a little anxious, I guess." He stared ahead at a building while they walked and she kept holding onto him.

She squeezed him as they walked. "Okay, well if you need anything just say something." 

Billie stole a glance at her and she looked like she wanted to say more but her lips were closed.

Inside Atomic Garden Adrienne pointed out new products to Billie left and right. He tried to keep up with her while she talked, especially because he knew she'd noticed something off. In the back room she showed him the new clothes that her and Jamie were considering. 

"It looks really great. All of it," he added. 

Adrienne nodded. "I know I've been really busy with it lately, but I think it's paying off."

Billie went and put his arm around her, smiling. "Of course it did. I'm really proud of you." 

Adrienne smiled. "Do you want to go check out the yarn? We can stop at the record store too, if you want."

Billie nodded, that must have been what she asked him about earlier. "Sure, that sounds great."

He followed her around the yarn store while she looked for what she wanted, watching her. He poked at displays, feeling the soft yarn while she looked and had to remind himself to breathe. Billie hated he wasn't being present with Adrienne today. He hated how she'd noticed and he hated how he felt like he'd been punched in the gut.  
Adrienne had went and picked out what she wanted, paid, and came back to him still playing with a few strands of yarn in his fingers. "I'm done, are you ready to leave?"  
Billie heard her voice but didn't register it for a second until she said his name, tugging at his t-shirt. "Billie?"

He looked up, feeling jarred, before he could say anything Adrienne asked him again. "You ready to leave?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah," he paused, looking down at the bag in her hand. "Sorry," he mumbled it, sounding lame and stared down at the floor.

They walked out and she put her arm around his waist again and gave him a squeeze. "Are you sure you're all right?"

"Just–could the next time we go for food could there be no alcohol?" it flew out of Billie's mouth before he had a chance to think about it. When he realized what he'd done he jammed his teeth into his tongue. 

"They had alcohol?" Adrienne's voice sounded all sweet and confused.

Billie had to get himself to take another big breath before he could even think of replying. He wished he could have been more like Adrienne – she hadn't even fucking noticed the beers in the corner. Why couldn't he be more like her? Why did this have to be such a big deal?

"Uh, yeah," Billie had to take another breath to continue. "Beer, in the corner near the register," his voice lowered.

"I'm sorry I didn't even notice it," she squeezed him again. 

"Just–," Billie wanted to explain but didn't really know how.

"You don't have to explain. It's okay," she went to squeeze his arm and it helped him relax. "Next time I'll check before we go anywhere, all right?"

Billie nodded and she smiled as if to say everything was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry this took so long. There is more coming, I promise! 
> 
> Also, if anyone wants a copy of the album leak be in touch! I haven't listened to all of it, but it is incredible so far.


	10. Chapter 10

That night Billie lay in bed with Adrienne. She'd been pretty quiet through the evening and Billie felt bad about – well, everything. He felt bad about not being present, he felt bad about how the alcohol had distracted him at lunch and even more about how he hadn't told her he'd been drinking again.

"I think I'm going to fall asleep soon, all right?" Adrienne kissed his head, "I love you."

Billie took a big deep breath in and then let it out. "Can we talk?"

Adrienne pushed her head up and looked at him before putting it back down. "Of course," she said, reaching for his hand.  
"I–just," Billie had to stop and take a deep breath. "Today…," 

Adrienne smiled and squeezed his hand. "I'm not mad at you, it's all right."

"I know, I just feel bad about it," he played with her dreads while he talked, giving his hands something to occupy them.

"Well, I don't want you to feel bad about it. I know that you get stuck sometimes Billie. I just want you to feel good. That's it." She pushed her head into him and it made him take this big deep breath. 

"I know, I just really want to be more present and with you and everything. I just, I'm trying really hard and sometimes it's like it all shuts down and I can't. And, I mean the alcohol thing has kind of been bothering me. Mike said I'm just stressed about the album and I know he's not wrong…," Billie was still playing with her dreads and she had an arm outstretched holding onto his hip. 

"You know what I think is really going to help? I think New York is going to help you a lot. You need a trip Billie. You need to find something to do until you're ready for the album." She squeezed him and it made him feel all warm in the pit of his stomach. 

"Yeah, you're right," he said, absently still twirling her dreads around his fingers.

"And if you're still anxious or upset or whatever about anything you can talk to me, okay? I know sometimes it's really hard for you to talk but I promise I'm here. I won't get mad, okay?"

Yeah, Billie thought, you won't get mad. Like you wouldn’t mad if you found out I started drinking again during New Year's this year. Or how you wouldn't get mad if I told you I was stealing your wine and drinking it out of a coffee cup in my study. He let a breath out of his nose and nestled himself into her, pretending it was true. 

 

The week before Billie and Joey left for NYC was actually pretty busy. One day Billie went to Broken Guitars and finished everything for Bill that he needed to – apologizing that he should have come before. He spent most of the afternoon just hanging out at the shop and put it in his mind to do that more often. It did help relax him and he genuinely liked hanging out with Bill, too. He was a really great guy and Billie knew he didn't get as much of the credit as he really deserved for Green Day. 

One night they went out to dinner – it ended up just being him, Mike, and Tre but Billie was kind of thankful for it. It was nice to just hangout as friends and take the pressure off being bandmates. The guys weren't pressuring him – he knew it was the opposite that all the pressure was coming from, him but even so Billie liked that they could just get dinner and hangout together. 

In rehab he'd worried that it would be hard to connect to his bandmates after he got out. He knew drinking was far from the only thing they did together, but he worried that things would be different, that they wouldn't be able to do the same things and be friends in the same ways. But they worked through it and the guys understood. Really, they knew and they had known for a long time about everything that was going on. The guys weren't stupid, but they'd also avoided talking about things, too. Which, afterwards, they'd made a pact not to do that again, that next time they'd talk to each other instead of brushing it under the rug. Really, Billie knew the other guys had been scared to mention it to him – nervous of what his reaction would be and that wasn't anyone's fault but his.

Another night he went out with Adrienne on a date. He let her pick everything just because he thought she deserved it – he knew she wouldn't have wanted to hear that from him, though so he didn't tell her the reason. They had sushi and then went to see a movie – some indie film that Adrienne had read about on the internet. Billie really enjoyed the night – he wasn't really sure how but somehow he'd calmed down enough to not be in his own head the entire night. 

On Friday Billie got up at six in the morning with Joey to leave for their flight. Billie hadn't slept much the night before – flying didn't usually make him anxious but this time his stomach was in a bit of a knot. After Adrienne had fallen asleep he got up and crept into his study with a mug full of Adrienne's wine. He knew he shouldn’t have done it, but it helped him relax enough that he was able to rest on the couch for most of the night instead of lying next to Adrienne and panicking.

That morning in the kitchen Adrienne put both her arms around him, squeezing. "I am really going to miss you," she kissed his neck and Billie closed his eyes wishing the two of them were upstairs in bed.

"Me too," he leaned down and kissed her on the mouth, pushing his tongue gently into her. 

She let the kiss linger, only for a moment before pulling away and giggling. "Take care of yourself and have fun with Joey, all right?"

"Of course," Billie squeezed her back and they stayed like that, holding each other, until Billie heard Joey call from the living room saying about how they should get going.

Adrienne drove them to the airport and on the way there Billie and Joey both took turns playing music from their phones and talking. When they got out at the curb Billie noticed Adrienne biting her lip as she watched Joey take his bags out of the trunk. 

Adrienne got out and went up next to Joey and put her arms around him. "All right, don't do anything your dad would do. And text me a lot. And call me even more. And call if you or the band needs anything," she paused and Billie watched her take a deep breath, "okay?"

"Hey! I'm not that bad," Billie interrupted, mostly trying to be funny because he knew Adrienne didn't really mean it.

Joey laughed and he could see Adrienne smile. "Okay mom, I promise." He hugged her tighter for a second and then let go.

Adrienne wandered over to him after and buried her head in his sweatshirt for a moment. "I'll text you when we land, all right?" Billie had looped an arm around her waist as he talked.  
"Okay, sounds good," she reappeared and Billie bit into his tongue for a second thinking about how well she could hold it together and how he never could.

"I love you," Billie smiled and then heard Joey chime in, "Yeah mom, I love you too. We'll see you." Joey had already started to walk in and Adrienne nodded saying, "I love both of you. Take care and text me!"

 

While they were in line for security Billie pulled up his text message screen and started typing. 

_Hey, I love you so, so much. And I'll see you soon and so will Joey. Take care of everything while I'm gone and enjoy the empty house. I'll give Joey hugs from you. All my love, BJ._

He stared at the screen and hit send before overthinking it. 

 

After they got through security Joey went off to buy a few magazines to read on the plane and Billie went to sit down after having gotten a coffee. He shuffled around in the uncomfortable chair and pulled out his phone, bringing up his text conversation with Adrienne. She still hadn't replied – he figured she'd only just be getting home now depending on how bad the traffic had been. 

He felt so stupid – so selfish really – to not have thought about how much Adrienne was going to miss Joey. It was stupid really, but it hadn't exactly occurred to him until he saw her all teary eyed just how hard it was for her, too. Billie wished he could be at home, waiting for her to give her another huge hug and say something about how much he loved her. He knew it was stupid; Adrienne didn't need all the extras like he did. But he still wanted to give her another hug, another whisper in her ear. 

She didn't end up texting before they got on the plane. Billie kept fiddling with his phone and even thought about calling her, but ultimately decided not to. He figured she'd noticed it and meant to reply or gotten stuck in traffic. She was going to Atomic Garden for the day and he knew she was busy. She'd get back to him before they'd land in New York, he thought. 

When they got settled in their seats Joey nudged his dad. "I have a few movies I downloaded if you wanna watch with me. And I remembered the headphone splitter this time." He gestured to his iPad as he talked.

"Maybe later, I think I'm going to try and sleep," Billie said. He'd shoved his phone into the pocket of his sweatshirt – it was in airplane mode but part of him was still hoping to hear from Adrienne.

"Oh, okay," Joey looked skeptical but nodded and put headphones in his ears, his eyes back on his iPad.

Billie looked over to the window and bit into his lip. He'd never really been able to sleep on planes. Fuck, Billie had never really been able to sleep anywhere. When…before rehab, when he was still acting like an idiot and taking all those pills he could always come up with just the right cunctation to put him to sleep for most of the plane ride. All he needed was a little of this, a little of that and he could be asleep for a good five or six hours if he wanted to be. 

Billie ended up closing his eyes and leaning against the window. He felt stupid, but he really hadn't thought about how he was going to deal with the plane ride until now. Billie Joe jammed his teeth into his tongue and then, after a moment, tried to take a deep breath. 

He ended up sitting there, wiggling around anxious as fuck for at least the first hour and hated every fucking second of it. The music on his phone helped a little, but mostly Billie just thought about how he should have figured this out before. And he especially hated acting this way around Joey. It was stupid, and Billie knew that Joey knew he had trouble sometimes, but still. Billie really just wanted to be motherfucking normal sometimes, even more so when he was with his kids.

At about the hour mark, though Joey nudged him and Billie slipped one of his earbuds out. "Are you sure you don't wanna watch a movie with me? I have Austin Powers on here."' 

Billie felt himself smile. "That would be great."

Joey smiled and pulled the movie up, Billie clicked his headphones into the splitter and felt himself exhale. 

Halfway through the movie Billie drifted off, his head against the window. Joey didn't wake him for the meal and by the time Billie woke up they were about to descend.   
Joey smiled over at him when he saw he was awake. "You sleep okay?" he asked, his voice had the same concerned tint that Adrienne's would have had. 

"Yeah, I slept all right. Thanks for the movie." Billie had wanted to say something about how much the movie had helped him relax, but he didn't know how to get the words out.

As soon as they landed Billie took his phone off airplane mode, looking for a text from Adrienne. It took a few minutes, but finally his phone buzzed and her name appeared on his screen. 

_Hey, thanks. I'm doing all right. I love you too. Give joey a hug from me and let me know when you land. I'm going to miss you too._

Billie could tell, even over text, that Adrienne was still a little down. He bit into his lip and started typing.

_Hey, we landed. I love you and so does Joey and I'm going to miss you a ton. Take care of yourself and Jake, okay? <3_

He had his tongue sitting in between his teeth and wanted to push down. It was stupid, Billie knew this, they'd been apart for what? Not even a half a day and all he wanted to do was bury his head in Adrienne's chest and hug her. Billie wanted her to know that he loved her, that she loved him. Goddammit, he thought, this is so fucking stupid. He bit down into his tongue and kept it there until he could feel the trickle of blood in his mouth. 

 

It was lunch by the time they got back to Joey's apartment with their bags. Billie flopped on the couch with his eyes closed and Joey said something about how they could call out for delivery if he wanted. All Billie was thinking about was how his back hurt from sleeping on the plane and how Adrienne hadn't gotten back to him and how he missed the scent of her perfume. 

"Hey dad," he heard Joey's voice from across the room. "I was gonna grab lunch with some friends," he paused for a minute, "is that okay?"

Billie pulled his head out of the sofa. "Yeah, go, go. I'll be okay. I think I'm going to rest and then maybe go over to my apartment."

"Okay, cool," Joey smiled and Billie watched as put a jacket on. "Meet up later?"

"Yeah, sure, text me when you're done lunch," Billie had to pull his head back up out of the sofa again to talk. Another few moments and he heard Joey say bye before slipping out the door.

Billie had his eyes closed, head still into the couch for another fifteen minutes before he processed the sound of the door closing and realized Joey had left. 

Getting up Billie rubbed at his back and took a deep breath. He was thinking about going over to his apartment, drop his stuff off and get settled. They hadn't used the apartment much in the past year with everything that was going on and even though Adrienne was pushing him to sell it he didn't want to give it up. He liked knowing it was there even if he didn't use it often. And really, when he was here he was using the place a lot. It had been Adrienne's idea to buy it before American Idiot started on Broadway and he was glad they'd gotten it. It was so nice to go somewhere at the end of the night that felt like home instead of an anonymous hotel.

Billie gathered up his backpack and carry on suitcase, just as his hand hit the doorknob he felt a pang in his chest thinking about Adrienne. He swallowed, sat his backpack down and reached in into his pocket and pulled up her number.

He listened to it ring and took a deep breath in and out. 

"Hey, it's good to hear from you," her voice made him feel like he'd been wrapped up in a blanket fresh from the dryer. "Are you guys settling in?"  
Billie nodded, his eyes closed for a second before he remembered Adrienne couldn't see him. "Yeah, we are. Joey went to get lunch with his friends and I was just about to head over to my place."

"That's great," Billie took a big breath in when he heard her.

"Yeah," Billie paused to let out a breath, "how are you?" Billie really wanted to ask her more than that, but didn't know how. She sounded so happy to hear from him and he almost didn’t want to remind her.

"I'm all right. I'm working on some Atomic Garden stuff from home," she said, her voice still made Billie feel warm all over.

"That's good," Billie felt his voice catch at the end and he knew Adrienne wouldn't let it go.

"You all right?" her voice was still casual, but even so the question made Billie take a deep breath in.

Billie wanted to tell her he was just being stupid, but he knew she'd argue with him that he wasn't being stupid, that if he was upset it was okay and he should tell her. Anyway, he didn't want to go through that. He hated it honestly because sometimes he just wanted to tell Adrienne his head was being fucking stupid about something and just have her leave it alone.

"Yeah, no I'm fine," Billie mumbled it before realizing he should have tried to sound a little more upbeat. 

"All right. Well, you should check your suitcase when you get back to the apartment. I stuck something in there for you." Her voice had started out almost sing-songy and got lower as she spoke.

"Oh, yeah?" A smile spread across Billie's face. 

She did this a lot – usually only when he went away for tour and it would be a good while before they saw each other again. For a long time when the boys were little she'd add pictures into a scrap book and slip it into his bag before he left. Sometimes there were love notes too – some were sexy, some were just loving, most were a little of both rolled into one. More recently it had been her already worn clothing – sometimes panties but more often than not oversized t-shirts she wore to bed or hoodies that when inhaled made him feel like Adie was right there with him. 

"Yeah," she said, giggling like a teenage girl. "You'll like it, I know you will."

Billie laughed back at her, his brain already going, thinking about all the wonderful things she could have left for him. "Thanks 80," he breathed the words out wanting to add how much he needed it, but not knowing how to.

"Of course," Billie could hear her smile through the phone line. "I should get going, but text me later, okay? I love you."

Billie still had the smile spread across his face. Every time he breathed in he thought about what Adrienne smelled like – her cherry blossom perfume and usually a hint of whatever candle they were burning at the store, it always added an unfamiliar yet homey feeling in Billie's gut.

"I love you too. I'll talk to you later. And, uh, thanks," Billie chocked the last part out. 

"Anytime," her voice soothed him, just like imaging her scent did. "I love you, Billie. All my heart."

Billie told her he loved her again, too before hanging up, still breathing in and thinking about her lavender scent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys hope you're enjoying! There will definitely be more to come. I'd love to know if you're out there and enjoying this so please let me know :)


	11. Chapter 11

On the way to his place on the subway Billie kept his hoodie up, the string tied so it wouldn't fall down. He had sunglasses on, too. Usually, he didn't care that much about being recognized but right now he really just wanted to get across town without having to talk to anyone. 

Billie got off at his stop, came up out of the subway and walked the two blocks to his building. He stood there for a few minutes, trying to untangle the keys form his chain before he could unlock the door. Once the door clicked open and Billie ushered his bags inside and kicked the door behind him he let out a big breath and felt himself relax. 

He put his suitcase in the bedroom – laying it next to the bed and thought about digging out whatever Adrienne had left him for a moment before deciding against it. He'd wait until tonight when he was home from hanging out with Joey. It would be worth it to wait he told himself. And anyway, Billie had a feeling she'd put some of her clothes in there and if she had her old hoodie would be the perfect thing to cuddle with before bed. Billie almost snorted, thinking about how stupid he sounded about wanting to fall asleep with Adrienne's hoodies. He was way past fucking forty and not a teenager even though he knew he sounded like one. 

Before his head had a chance to keep going Billie's phone buzzed from inside his pocket. He pushed up his sunglasses and pulled his phone out.  
 _Hey, I'm finishing up. Do you wanna meet up somewhere?_

Joey made him smile and he thought for a second before typing back.  
 _Sure! I'm at my place. What do you want to do?_

They ended up not being able to decide on what to do, but Billie suggested he bring his friends over. There was hardly any food in the fridge, so he ordered out for pizza and wings and they all ate together on the living room floor. In spite of it, they enjoyed themselves. They took turns putting on music and talking – Billie loved just sitting back and watching them. He liked watching them interact and talk about music and the band and the new tour. It was almost like if he could have gotten a time machine and watched Green Day's early tours as a passive fly in the corner. Okay, so maybe not like that. Swmrs smoked way less weed and drank way less beer. Billie always marveled to Adrienne – and to anyone who would listen to him really – about how mature and driven those kids were. Adrienne always smiled and squeezed him and said something about how he – and the rest of Green Day – had been driven, too. He knew she wasn't wrong, but he loved watching how excited they all were and deep down he knew that Joey had maturity and drive that he hadn't had at his age. 

It was pretty late by the time everyone left – Joey stuck around to help Billie clean up even though he told him he didn't have to. He stayed anyway and Billie didn’t push it, mostly because he knew he wouldn't bother to clean up himself. He could get pretty messy when no one else was around – it just wasn't something he really thought about keeping up with. Though, if Adrienne or the boys were coming around he always made an effort to clean up. He never quite did it to Adrienne's standards, but she always seemed to appreciate it anyway.

And by the time Joey left it was even later. He hadn't gotten much of a chance to unpack – not that he was going to be here for that long anyway – so he stumbled out of his clothes and opted to sleep in just his boxers. Just went he got himself tangled in his blankets just so he thought about Adrienne's surprise in his suitcase. Yawning, he squirmed and snuggled deeper into his bed and thought about how it was going to have to wait until tomorrow.

Billie woke up late the next day and even rolled round in bed all sleepy for another hour or so after that. It wasn't so often that he felt that comfortable in bed so when it happened he milked it for all it was worth. 

When he finally climbed out of bed he went into the living room, finding his phone on the coffee table. He picked it up and saw a text from Adrienne.  
 _Hope you're having a great time with joey. I love you. Take care and make sure you're doing stuff for you! I know how much you needed this. Xo._

Billie smiled, thinking about her typing the text out in the morning at their kitchen table.   
_We're having a blast. I love you too. Thanks so much for all your help 80. You know I couldn't do it without you. Tell me how your day goes. Xo._

 

After getting a shower Billie went into the kitchen, opened up the cupboards and found some coffee. He threw it on and pulled his phone out to text Joey.

Let me know what you're up to today. No rush – we don't have to hangout if you have other plans. 

Billie put music on through his phone, poured a cup of coffee and sat down to enjoy himself. In some ways it was nice to be alone. It was nice just to listen to the music and know that he was by himself, that he didn't have to worry about anyone coming in and talking to him. That he could take his time – as fast or as slow as he wanted. 

Sometimes moments like this only fed into Billie's anxiety. Sometimes, though, like now they were everything he needed and more.

He ended up sitting around his apartment, music on, going through old song drafts on his laptop for a few more hours. Somehow he got himself into a mood where he could just go through things, read them for what they were and either play with them or move along. Sometimes he got into reading his old lyrics – he always felt kind of silly for it but there were days he could spend hours poring over the lyric book for American Idiot. He knew it was stupid, he already knew what they lyrics said, but sometimes he found himself getting immersed in them as if he didn't.

Just as he was reading drafts of a song he'd tried to write for Adrienne the music cut out and his phone started to ring. Billie glanced next to him and saw it was Joey. 

"Hey," Billie smiled when he heard Joey say the same back.

"So, I was just wandering around and I'm actually at the record shop a few blocks down from your place. Want to meet up? I can't remember if we've explored this one or not." 

"Yeah, sure! I'll be right there, okay?" Billie felt his smiler get bigger as he shut his laptop, already reaching for his wallet and keys.

They ended up exploring the shop for a while – Billie bought a few new records even though he didn't really need any. Billie enjoyed himself and he could tell Joey did too. They ended up walking around for a while after and got dinner together. They ended up having dinner at this restaurant that had a bar attached. There wasn’t much else in his neighborhood and considering that Billie had barely eaten that day he didn't want to protest. Other than a bakery a few blocks down Billie knew there wasn't really anywhere else to go.   
Billie flipped through the menu, ignoring the beer list that had been placed next to their menus. He was praying to God that Joey wouldn't order a beer. He didn't really think he would, and fuck Billie didn't blame him for wanting one, but he just didn't want to have to sit and watch as he drank it.

"Hey, I have practice tomorrow so I probably won't be around to hangout," Joey said, looking up from the menu.

Billie nodded, more absently than anything. 

"But we can definitely do stuff the day after. I'm pretty free." Joey seemed to be waiting for a response from Billie and he took a moment before saying anything.

"Yeah, that's totally fine. Let me know how practice goes then," he tried to smile at the end and tried to look elsewhere instead of staring at the drink menu.

"Yeah I will. I think we're really solid for tour but it's nice to still have time before it starts." Joey flipped a page of the menu while he talked and Billie had to take a deep breath in and out. 

A second later their waitress appeared and Billie heard her voice but didn't really listen to what she said. 

Joey looked up from the menu and he heard his voice clearly. "Yeah, I'll just have a water with ice. Thanks."

Billie could feel himself relax back into the chair, almost as if he'd been drinking. "Yeah, just water is great. Thanks."

Billie had to force himself to sit up as the waitress walked away. 

 

The rest of dinner was actually really nice. Billie went into another reminiscence about touring and Joey listened, interjecting occasionally. 

"Did I ever tell you the time I got poison ivy all over my body? I mean, literally I had it all over myself." Billie dipped a fry in some ketchup when he was done talking.

Joey laughed. "No, you never told me about that! Jesus, all over? How did you even do that?"

Billie smiled. "Some of it got in my shirt…and then in my sleeping bag…Personally, I think someone was trying to play a joke that ended up becoming not funny."

"What, like Tre? Or Mike?"

Billie shrugged. "They would have fessed up. I think it was probably someone from one of the house parties. They probably didn't even realize what happened because we were already gone by the time the itching started."

"So what did you do?" Joey laughed and Billie smiled.

"We went to the emergency room the next night after the show. To be honest, I've felt worse playing shows since then but it's really hard to concentrate on playing the guitar and signing when all you want to do is scratch yourself to pieces." 

Joey shook his head and Billie just smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone there is definitely more to come! I really hope you've been enjoying this -- I've been enjoying writing it :). Comment and let me know what your thoughts are -- I'll try to post again soon.


	12. Taste of Home

After dinner Billie walked to the subway stop that would take Joey back to his own apartment. He put his arm around him for a second and had to get himself to take a breath.

"Thanks for letting me tell you my stupid stories tonight. I had a lot of fun," he squeezed him taking his hand away.

"Dad, I love your stupid stories. They're fun," Joey smiled. 

"Yeah, I know, but I'm sure you get sick of them sometimes. Anyway, let me know how practice goes, okay?"

Joey rolled his eyes. "I could never get sick of your stories. They're awesome. You seriously need to get that in your head."

Billie wanted to say something back but instead just nodded. 

"I'll let you know how practice goes, all right?" Joey reached up to squeeze his shoulder. 

"Yeah, all right. I love you," Billie's voice felt rough around the edges.

"Love you too Dad!" Joey called as he walked down into the subway.

 

Walking back to his apartment Billie remembered the gift Adrienne had left him in his suitcase – how he hadn't dug it up yet and smiled. He was thankful to have something of hers to look at tonight before bed. Dinner had gone fine – great even – but he felt a tiny knot forming in his stomach about having to go back to the apartment alone tonight and he knew reading a note from her and most likely wrapping himself in her sweatshirt would help him relax. 

 

Coming home that night Billie threw off his t-shirt and pants, opting to get into bed with just his boxers. Before climbing in though he kneeled at his suitcase, riffling through it until he found three cassette tapes, his old Walkman and a note. Billie made a face, opening up the bag and looked at the tapes. It took him a second to put it together, but when he did he smiled.

Years ago, back when Joey was just a little baby Adrienne had made a few tapes of herself reading from one of her college English poetry books. It was something that had started when they talked on the phone, back when they were dating, she'd read him these poems from an English class she'd taken called Modern Women's Poetry. He used to listen to the tapes to calm down at night, to help him get to sleep. He could remember so many nights curled up in his bunk on the tour bus listening to them, pretending that Adrienne was actually with him. 

Pulling out the letter that went along with them Billie smiled even bigger.

_Dear Billie Joe,_

_First off, I want to tell you how much I love you and how proud of you I am. I know you and Joey are having a blast and I'm so happy you two get to spend some time together like this._

_I know you're probably wondering where these came from…I found them downstairs in one of the closets when I was cleaning a few months ago. I'm guessing they just got shoved in there and we both forgot about them. I thought they might offer a little taste of home for you. I listened to a few minutes of one when I found them and it made me smile. I remember making these for you before…insomniac tour, I think? It's been so long…but I remember how I asked Mike to help me make them. He got me all set up and I went over to his place when day and made them for you before tour started. Maybe we could digitalize them so you could put them on your phone and always have them? We can work on it when you get home, how's that sound?_

_Anyway, I love you Billie. I love you so much. And I'm so proud of you. I know you've had a hard time the past few years, but you are so much stronger than you know. You've overcame so much and worked so hard, too. You're the best husband and father I could have ever asked for._

_Have fun with Joey, enjoy yourself! I love you always,_

_Adrienne_  
__  
Billie had to take a big breath in and out when he was done. And another one, until he could really think straight. He wanted Adrienne here. Right now, in front of him. Billie swallowed, his head down in his hands. He wanted to tell her about the wine. How he kept dumping it into coffee cups. How he went out one night to buy a bottle that looked like one of hers. How every time he saw a beer bottle or a wine glass he couldn’t take his eyes off of it, how all he wanted was that relaxed bubbly, almost tired feeling. How he wanted to stop freaking the fuck out and staring while people drank at meals. How sorry he was and how for once in his goddamned life he just wanted to be motherfucking normal.

Billie couldn't remember how long he stayed like that, his head in his hands, sitting on the floor, but it was for a while. Finally, when he got himself to get up he didn't even want to listen to Adrienne's tapes. He knew listening to her voice, all soft and sweet like honey, would make him feel guilty and he already felt like shit enough. Swallowing, Billie rolled himself in bed and laid there, rooted in blankets, staring at the ceiling. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm so so sorry for the wait on this one. I've been so busy. I hope you enjoy it and I promise I'm around! I'm here! Please poke me if I don't update! Please feel free to comment and let me know your thoughts! <3


	13. As the Pabst Blue Ribbon Unravels...

Billie only woke up the next morning because sunlight was streaming through his curtains. He pulled the comforter over his head and tried to snuggle back into the bed. It was probably late. Later than Billie wanted to think it was. He had no idea when he fell asleep or for how long he'd actually been asleep. All he knew was that there was this guilty knot in his stomach. He really wanted to curl back into the bed and sleep for the rest of the day. 

Eventually, though, Billie crawled out of bed. In the bathroom he took a piss and grabbed his phone from where he'd left the night before on the counter. Clicking it on he saw a text from Adrienne – she'd sent it three hours ago and Billie felt another bang of guilt in his stomach that she'd waited so long for a reply.

Hey, how is everything going? I miss you. I got some of the new clothing in at the store – I'll text you pictures later. Xoxo 80. 

Billie walked out of the bathroom and bit into his tongue. He had a feeling he should try and call her. They hadn't talked much yesterday and goddamnit he just felt so fucking guilty sometimes. Swallowing Billie walked into the kitchen, put the phone on the table and started to make a fresh pot of coffee. When he finished, listening to the coffee trickle down, he picked up the phone, found Adrienne's name and hit her phone number.

He listened to the sound of it ringing and had to take a deep breath in and out. 

"Hey!" he eventually heard her voice all warm. "It's good to hear from you."

Billie felt himself smile, her voice helping him to relax. "Yeah, I saw your text. Sorry I didn't…," Billie trailed off, trying to take a deep breath.

"It's all right, I figured you just got busy. How is everything? Are you guys having fun?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's been really good. Joey has practice today and stuff, so I think I'm flying solo but I have stuff I can work on." Billie could see his laptop sitting off to the side, along with the notebook he'd been using to scribble in. 

"That's good, I was –," 

"Oh!" Billie interrupted. "I saw your gift last night. Thank you so much, Adie. I–," Billie had to take a breath before he could continue. "I forgot all about those tapes. They're really great. I listened to one last night and I slept so well," Billie hated to lie to her but he didn't know what else to say.

"I'm glad you found them." Billie could tell she was smiling from the sound of her voice. "I was starting to wonder if I'd forgotten to put them in there," she laughed a little and Billie felt the breath get caught in his chest.

"S–sorry it took me so long, I just…," Billie bit into his tongue and really wished he hadn't fucking called her in the first place. 

"It's okay Billie, I know Joey was probably keeping you busy."

Billie laughed gently. "Yeah, we've been doing a lot."

"Listen, I'm glad. I have to get going to Atomic Garden to look at the new clothes with Jamie but I'll text you pictures and we'll talk later, all right?"

He nodded and it took him a second to realize what he was doing. "Yea–yeah, of course. We'll talk later. I love you Adrienne," he said, swallowing.

"I love you too, Billie."

Billie slid his phone back onto the table and put his head down. He hated himself for thinking this, but all he really wanted to do was go get a six pack of beer and drink it. He wanted to relax back into the couch and stop thinking about how fucking guilty he felt.   
Billie poured himself a cup of coffee and then padded into the living room. There was an overstuffed couch – much like the one from his basement and he sunk down into it and took a sip, wondering where the remote was. His eyes were closed and he thought about how the coffee tasted like crap. It had been left over from the last time he'd been at the apartment and he could remember how he didn't like it back then. He'd meant to throw it out, but he'd shoved it in the back of the cabinet just out of habit. 

Letting out a big breath he saw the remote on the end table nearest him and grabbed at it. He turned it on and started to flip through the channels. He landed on something that seemed halfway decent and took another sip even though it still tasted like crap.  
Halfway through the show Billie started to stare out the window. There was a little market two blocks over and another block up there was a convenience store where he knew he could buy six packs. The convenience store had an ATM too – he didn't have any cash and he didn't want to risk using his card. He knew Adrienne wouldn't have thought anything of it if she noticed the charge – figured he stopped by to grab whatever – but he didn't want to risk any of it. He could take out a $50 and buy a six pack and then on the way back stop for groceries. It would be good to have something to eat around – not that he really felt like cooking but he could grab a few frozen dinners and some new coffee that didn’t taste like ass. 

Swallowing Billie got up, walked away from the TV and went into his bedroom. He picked up his jeans from yesterday to sniff them – he didn’t think they smelled that bad – they were passable for at least a quick trip like this. He found his sweatshirt, pulled it over his head and pulled the hood up. Picking up his wallet from the floor in his bedroom he took a big breath in and out as he slid it into his back pocket. You're fine, he told himself, this is fine. Everything is okay. You're just going to go buy some beer and have a chill day at home alone.

Before leaving Billie found his sunglasses and slid them on. Normally, unless he was trying to be out with family, he didn’t worry about being recognized. But right now Billie Joe knew he couldn't risk being noticed. 

He locked the door of his apartment behind him, when he started down the steps he realized he'd left the TV on but didn't bother going back. 

In the store Billie stared at the meager frozen food options. He saw French bread pizzas and picked up two boxes and then grabbed a TV dinner. Adrienne never would have eaten crap like this, so he was somewhat enjoying the indulgence of it all. He tried to look for coffee but only found some starbucks branded dark roast. Shrugging, he picked it up as well and sat it on top of the stack. He figured it couldn't be any worse than the crap he had at home. 

At the convenience store Billie had to take this deep breath before going in. Just go in, use the ATM, grab something, pay, leave. It's not hard Armstrong, you're making this more complicated than it needs to be. Swallowing, Billie tugged on the hood of his sweatshirt before going in, making sure that it was still covering him.

At the ATM Billie sat his bag from the grocery down on the floor and pulled his card out of his wallet. Sliding it in and out Billie entered his pin and then asked it for $50. When the money spit out Billie shoved it into his back pocket and went to look for beer. 

Glancing around Billie felt like the world was at his fingertips. He could have whatever he wanted. Swallowing he looked up to see a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the cooler. Billie sucked in a breath and thought about how the beer would already be cold so he wouldn't have to wait for it in the fridge when he got back. He pulled it out of the cooler with one hand, the cool, wet cans banging against his hand as he carried it. 

At the register the guy barely looked up at Billie when he handed him the $50 and got back his change. He shoved the change into his back pocket and picket up the beer with his other hand. 

Billie walked home as fast as he could without running. He dodged people on the street and was the first person across the street at every crosswalk. When he reached his apartment building and walked inside he let out a breath in relief. 

Inside, Billie shoved the frozen food into the freezer and all and then hefted the beer up into the fridge. He bit into his tongue and thought about what he'd just done and went back into the living room – the TV still on. 

Billie sat there for a good twenty minutes, his leg bouncing up and down while he stared straight ahead at the TV. He couldn't follow what was happening in the show – all he could think about was the beer in the fridge. Finally, he got up and walked into the kitchen, swung open the door and grabbed a beer out of the pack. 

It took Billie six, maybe seven sips before it was finished. When he sat the empty can back onto coffee table in front of him he felt exhausted, like he'd just finished a big workout and sunk back into the couch behind him. It took him a moment to process what else he felt, his arms felt tingly and his thoughts were slowed, but he was definitely tipsy. And Billie hated to admit it, but it felt so fucking good. He breathed deeply in and out; his mind was clear of stressing about the album or worrying about disappointing Adrienne. He stared ahead the TV and wished Mike was here with him. Realistically Billie knew that Mike couldn't be there with him because he couldn't know about how he was drinking again. Anyway, this had always been one of their pastimes. Get a six pack, drink it and watch stupid TV shows. Normally they'd be riffing off the shows together, making fun of them, talking about how stupid they were and how bad the acting was or how bad the special effects were. It was something that had gotten lost to time as they got older, got married, each had kids. Still, even now on tour they'd sit around the bus and pick out stupid shows to watch and make fun of together. 

Sunk back into the couch all Billie could think about was how he wanted another beer. He thought about how cold the last one had been on his throat and how he liked this feeling so much and wanted it to last, wanted it to be more. Billie got up, as if on auto pilot, grabbed another beer from the fridge and sat back down. He popped it open, took a long refreshing sip and put it down on the coffee table before starting to flip through the channels.

Over the course of the rest of the afternoon Billie and into the evening Billie drank the entire six pack. Logically, he knew he shouldn't have. He knew he should have had one or maybe two and then stopped. But he didn't want to. It wasn't even that he couldn’t, he just didn't want to stop feeling like this. He couldn't even describe it – it was more than being drunk; truthfully, Billie felt blissed out. 

That evening Joey texted him about how well practice had went and asked him what he wanted to do. Billie read the text but sat his phone back down and didn't reply. Adrienne had been sending him pictures of new clothing from Atomic Garden throughout the evening and he gushed to her – hoping he didn't sound too out of it – about how pretty it all was even though he'd barely looked at it.

 

Around eight that night Billie popped open his last beer; the cardboard from the six pack was still in the fridge and instead of throwing it in the trash he opened the window in his bedroom that opened to an alley and tossed it out, watching as it fluttered around in the air and hit the ground. The cans were all still in the living room and Billie went back to grab them by the armful, shoving them all out the window at once and listening to the sound they made when as they hit the pavement. 

While watching some stupid game show on TV Billie ate the frozen pizza he'd heated up in the microwave and carefully sipped on his last beer. He was determined to take this one slowly – or at least slower – so he could enjoy it. 

He felt like an idiot for how much he had enjoyed today. And thinking about it he didn't really want to go out with Joey tomorrow. He wanted to go buy another six pack and do the whole thing again. He wanted the blissed out feeling to continue. He didn't want to give it up. Swallowing some pizza he wondered if he could make up an excuse to Adrienne to stay longer. He could say that writing was going well, that he just wanted an extra four or five days. She wouldn't bat an eye about that, would she? She wouldn't think it was weird, right? Putting the pizza down Billie sunk back into the couch and closed his eyes. He liked how his arms felt numb and how his thoughts were slowed down just enough. He just wanted this to continue. 

 

The next morning Billie woke up earlier than usual, rolling around in bed. He didn't feel great. Not necessarily hungover, just off. He curled up in his blankets for a while longer before he remembered Joey's text from yesterday. He knew he wasn't going to get back to sleep, at least not for right now anyway, so he slowly got out of bed and slipped on a ratty pair of sweatpants.

In the kitchen he started the process of making coffee and when he was finished he went into the living room and picked his phone up off the coffee table and flicked the TV on. Joey's message was still there and Billie sat down, closed his eyes and leaned back into the couch before answering it.

Hey, we can do whatever I'm up for anything. Let me know when you're up. Maybe we could do lunch and go from there?

Billie clicked his phone and the screen went black. If he was going to be honest he didn't really feel like hanging out with Joey today. He felt like falling asleep on the couch and ordering Chinese for dinner that night. He didn't feel like having to interact with anyone. He felt like an idiot because he knew he'd come out here to spend more time with Joey before he left and now all he wanted to do was lay around his apartment in his own drunken misery.

After a pot of coffee Billie felt a little better. Almost better enough to go down to the coffee shop nearby and get a bagel and another cup. He could bring his laptop and attempt to do some work or he could just buy the paper and sit around reading it.

Instead, Billie ended up falling asleep on the couch in the middle of some old romantic comedy that was on TV. He woke up around noon to his phone ringing. In his disoriented sleepiness he didn't answer it in time, but when it stopped going off he saw it was Joey. There was a text from him too which was about half an hour old. He was saying they could meet for breakfast/brunch/food and then do something from there – he was suggesting MoMa – the museum of modern art because they had an exhibit –something about modern design in music. He'd added a link to the website but Billie didn't bother looking at it.   
Instead, he sunk back into the couch and closed his eyes. He gave himself a few moments before calling Joey back, apologizing that he'd fallen asleep on the couch. 

They hammered out where to meet up for brunch and once Billie was off the phone he went to change clothes and leave.

 

On the subway to meet Joey Billie sat in one of the seats with his head in his hands. If he was going to be honest he really didn't feel that great. He really wanted to go back to the apartment and spend the day spacing out on the couch and ordering Chinese for dinner. Which made him feel like shit because he knew that he'd come out here to try and spend more time with him before he left and all he was doing was fucking it up.

 

Joey was already at the café when Billie got there. Joey got up from the table and went over to greet Billie. He was smiling all big and went to put his arm around him. Billie didn't squeeze Joey as hard as he usually did and when they both pulled away Joey looked at him funny.

At the table they both sat down and Billie stared out the window. "I didn’t order you anything – you're always so picky," Joey tried to joke but Billie didn’t process what he'd said.

Joey waited a few moments before speaking up again; Billie continued to stare out the window as if he hadn't said anything.

"Dad? Did you want coffee?" Joey's head was tilted toward the window as he talked.

"Oh, yeah, coffee. Sure," glancing back at Joey he was giving him that same concerned look that Adrienne would have if she was there. It made his face flush warm and he had to take a deep breath before talking again.

"Did you want anything to eat?" Billie turned to him as he slid off the stool.

"Yeah, a muffin would be great," Joey tried to smile at him, but he could tell it was weak at best.

 

Billie got in line at the register and bit into his tongue. You're such a fucking idiot he told himself. Look at how you're disappointing your kid. He knows something's up because you can't stay out of your fucking head for five fucking minutes. You're such a fucking piece of shit. 

Billie moved forward as the line did and when he looked up he saw Joey had his phone on the table but was staring out the window like he'd been doing earlier; the image made him swallow.

He ordered a medium dark roast (he really wanted the large, but he knew that the caffeine would make him too anxious even if it did perk him up) and a chocolate chip muffin for Joey and oatmeal with blueberries for himself. He didn’t know if he could really eat anything but he knew he had to make an effort even if he didn’t want to.

Back at the table Joey thanked him for the muffin and they both got quiet. Billie toyed with his oatmeal, spinning the spoon around in the goop and wanted to come up with something to say but couldn't.

"Are you okay?" Joey finally looked up and he could tell from how tentative his voice was around the edges – it actually reminded him so much of his own – that he'd been scared to ask.

"Yeah!" Billie said it too fast and he knew it sounded too happy and he immediately wanted to take it back. "Just…I just couldn't sleep great last night. I stayed up watching stupid movies and texting with Mike. And the album…," Billie trailed off and thought about how much he'd enjoyed himself the other day when he sat at the kitchen table in the apartment and read through lyrics.

"I thought you weren't working on it right now?" Joey smiled, seeming more content with Billie's answer about not having slept.

He shrugged and shoved some goop into his mouth before talking. "I took some time while you were practicing and sat down and did some stuff. It's just still rattling around in my brain, y'know?"

Joey nodded and ate some of his muffin. "But it's still not going well?"

Billie paused for a moment, letting the spoon rest in the goop while he thought. "I wouldn't say that – I think it's going better but I still just need to spend a lot of time with it."

Joey nodded. "I can understand that. Did you still want to go to MoMa?"

Billie smiled. "Yeah, of course!"

Joey smiled bigger and Billie swore his heart grew three sizes. "Okay, 'cause if you get too tired we can leave early or whatever."

"Nah, I'll be fine," Billie said. He took another breath and ate a few more spoonful's of goop before they left.

 

In the museum Billie did his best to enjoy spending time with Joey. And for the most part, it worked out. They wandered around inside together, talking and looking at the art. 

Joey talked a lot about the tour and Billie could tell he was getting excited. He didn't blame him for being excited in the slightest – he knew how much of a milestone it was for him to be going on tour by himself, just him, his friends and their van. 

"So do you guys have any big plans for the rest of the week?" Billie asked as they wandered out of an exhibit.

Joey shrugged. "Not really. We've just been hanging out. We might have a party this weekend though, but I doubt it'll be anything major."

Billie smiled and wondered for a moment what they'd get up to. Knowing Joey and his friends he did believe him – it probably wouldn't be "anything major" as he put it, but Billie couldn't help but find himself curious. "That'll be fun. You guys deserve to have hangout time before you have to go on tour."

Joey nodded. "Are you going to do anything his weekend?"

Billie shrugged and bit into his tongue, thinking about how he wouldn't really have anyone to hangout with if Joey were busy. "Nothing much. I'm not really sure who's in town but I'm sure I'll find something to do."

Something to do like get drunk on the couch in my apartment, Billie thought. Or watching stupid movies on TV because there's nothing else on. 

"Yeah, you should try and step back from work Dad. I know it's hard for you to do other stuff sometimes but I think it's good to put stuff away and come back to it sometimes. Even just a few days…," Joey trialed off and Billie nodded, although he knew he probably didn't look too enthusiastic.

After another moment Joey reached up and squeezed his shoulder. "You'll get there with it. I know you will," he smiled after and Billie could feel tears form behind his eyes.

He bit down onto his tongue and nodded because he didn't want to start crying. He wished the album was all that was really wrong. Putting his arm around Joey's shoulders he smiled. "Thanks Joey. I know you're right, more right than I want to admit to." They laughed together afterwards and it helped Billie relax.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, i'm sorry this took so long. This update was a bit longer than usual to try and make up for that! In the future I'll try and be better with this -- the holidays really got me off schedule so hopefully things will be back to being more normal now. If you tried to get tickets this past week I really hope you were able to get them and that you enjoy your show! Thank you so much if you're //still// reading -- there is a lot written and it'll be coming. Lemme know your thoughts! <3


	14. Chapter 14

They wandered around the museum for the rest of the afternoon and Billie had really loosened up for the last bit. He knew it wouldn't help, but part of him was trying to pretend that there wasn't anything wrong. 

As they were leaving Joey turned to his dad and said, "Hey, you don't have to come if you just want to go home but I was going to grab dinner with the guys and they all said they didn't mind if you come along."

Billie felt a smile spread across his face. As tired as he was and as nice as it would be to go back home and collapse on the couch, he relished he idea of not having to be alone for the rest of the evening. "Yeah, sure if no one minds that sounds great!" Billie's voice had genuine enthusiasm in it that time and he knew Joey noticed.  
They took the subway over to dinner and while standing there Billie pulled his phone out and went through messages. He had two texts from Adrienne. One was a picture of a new display at Atomic Garden and another was this:

_Hey, let me know how you're doing. Things are going well on my end. Would you want something special for dinner Sunday? Xo 80_

Billie could feel his cheeks get warm at the thought of going home, the thought of Adrienne making something special for him, and the thought of her embrace. 

_I'm good! Spent the day with Joey. We went to moma and now we're headed to dinner with the band._

"Hey," Billie nudged Joey who was standing next to him. "Let's take a picture together for your mom."

Joey rolled his eyes, but pushed his head together with his dad's and smiled warmly while he took a picture.

Billie added it to the message and said:

_We had a lot of fun!! And how about you make that broccoli cheddar soup for dinner? You haven't made that in forever. All my love bj._

Right before their stop on the train Billie Joe made the picture he'd just taken with Joey the background on his phone and stared into it, smiling. 

 

When they walked in Joey's friends were already sitting down with menus in front of them. They all smiled and Billie waved as they walked over, taking a deep breath in the process. Sitting down, Cole started asking Billie how MoMa had been and what they looked at. Billie relaxed back in his seat and started answering, talking about the exhibits they'd seen and how they stopped for coffee, how they watched tourists in the café. Cole laughed and said something about how he and Joey always watched the other tourists in the airport when they traveled. 

Billie started flipping through the menu and when he looked up he saw some of the others looking through the drink menu together. He bit down into his tongue and told himself to fucking relax. When the waitress came around to get their drink orders Billie had to force himself to breathe in and out evenly while they all ordered; it was about fifty-fifty on who ordered a soda versus a drink. Billie didn’t want it to bother him, but it did.

They were all talking about the party they wanted to have at Joey's apartment this weekend and he listened quietly as the waitress started to bring out their drinks. She sat Billie's soda in front of him and then put Cole's beer down next; Billie looked away, not wanting to think about how it would taste going down his throat, not wanting to think about the six pack he'd drank yesterday in his apartment all alone.

"You should come this weekend," Cole started saying, nudging Billie.

He saw Joey roll his eyes and it made him want to slink down into his chair and he started thinking about how he shouldn't have even fucking come. Instead, Billie thought, I should have gone back to my apartment and bought another six pack before going home. 

"You guys wouldn't want me around," Billie said, waving his hand dismissively, trying to act like he'd been paying attention to the entire conversation even though he'd been in his head for most of it.

Cole shook his head, "Nah, you should stop by, even just for a little. It's going to be a chill party."

Billie nodded and tried to sneak a glance over at Joey to gauge his reaction. "I'll see what I'm up to," he said, kind of nodding. He didn't want to embarrass Joey any more than he knew he already did – he knew he wouldn't want him around the party and he didn't blame him. It was their time before tour started and Billie didn't want to interrupt that. 

 

For the rest of the dinner Billie did his best to be present, although he knew he was doing a lousy job at it. He tried his best to be engaged when talking to Joey's friends about the tour – Seb wanted to hear old stories and there was once or twice where Joey nudged him along. He told the story about how Mike got body lice in Germany during their first tour to Europe and by the end they were all cracking up.

He never really relaxed, though. Throughout dinner he watched everyone's drinks like the fuck up he was. Cole drank through his first beer quickly and Billie appreciated how he took big sips and went back to it often; when the waitress came by he ordered another, though this time he let it sit and only took a sip every once in a while. Billie thought about it more than he wanted to, but he admired that. He admired that Cole was able to let it sit, to not obsess or drink the entire thing in four gulps like he wanted to. 

No one else ordered another beer and Billie did his best to focus on eating his dinner instead of thinking about drinking, though it didn't really work out. He'd started mapping out all places he could buy something on the walk from the subway to his apartment. There were a few places – one a little more out of the way than the others. There was this huge part of him that wanted to get a thing of vanilla flavored vodka and drink it back in the apartment. But even just the idea of doing that was depressing. Vodka wasn't something he drank alone. Vodka was for going out, for partying. Not for sitting around watching shitty TV and feeling sorry for yourself. 

"Hey, dad, did you tell them about the time you got poison ivy all over your body?"

Billie heard Joey but didn't process what he said. He was already thinking about how he could walk back to his apartment the long way and get another six pack, how he didn't have his sunglasses with him so he'd have to make sure no one was around to recognize him.

"Dad?" he felt Joey nudge him and he dropped the fork he'd been holding halfway between the plate and his mouth. It made a clang when it hit the plate and Joey frowned. "Sorry," Joey mumbled and Billie felt his face get warm.

"It's fine, what were you saying?" he turned to Joey and put on his best everything is really fine face even though inside he was panicking like a mother fucker.

"I just thought you could tell the poison ivy story again," Joey smiled and Billie laughed.

"All right, all right." Billie told the story and they all laughed together. 

 

As they were leaving the restaurant Joey fell in step next to his dad. "So, we're having practice tomorrow so I don’t know when I'll be free."

Billie smiled and put his arm around him. "That's fine! You guys go have fun. I have stuff I should be working on anyway. If you end up having time you can let me know, but if not that's okay too."

Joey nodded. "All right, well I'll see you later. Let me know how the album's going. And even if it's not seriously don't worry about it. You'll figure it out."

Or I won't, Billie thought. He knew his face must have shown what he was thinking because when he looked up Joey was frowning. 

"You'll get there. Just don't stress about it. Go do something fun tomorrow, okay? Promise me you won't sit around worrying about everything," Joey was still frowning and it made Billie bite into his tongue. He knew him way too well.

"Yeah, okay, I won't. Promise. I'll go do something," Billie tried to smile, tried to play everything off like a joke. Adrienne hated it when he did that but he never knew what else to do.

"Okay, good, I'll see you later okay?" Joey squeezed him back this time and he said goodbye watching as he ran to catch up with his friends. They all waved goodbye from up the street and Billie did the same before turning back to get on the train headed for his apartment. 

 

Coming out of the subway that night Billie leaned against a wall, pretending to check his phone. Adrienne had texted him during dinner about how cute the picture of him with Joey was how she hoped they were having a good time. She'd said something about calling if he had time when they were done with dinner, too. Billie tapped out a short text saying something about how dinner had been so much fun, how he'd told them all old stories and that he was exhausted and would call her tomorrow. Sliding his phone back in his pocket Billie started to walk up the street, away from his apartment.

He could run in, grab a six pack and be home in ten minutes if he was quick enough. And he had to be. Billie didn't want to risk being seen by anyone or recognized. That wasn't what he needed right now. 

Pushing the door open Billie took a big breath in as the bells on the top of the door jingled. He went back into the corner like he'd done the other day and pulled out a six pack from the cooler. He breathed in and out and told himself everything was fucking fine. 

At the counter Billie pulled out his wallet and handed over a crisp $20 that he'd gotten from the ATM the other day. He shoved the change into his back pocket and picked up the six pack by the handles and left the store. Outside, Billie walked as fast as he could back to his apartment. 

 

That night Billie drank a beer in the shower, letting himself feel fully relaxed for almost the first time all day. Absently, he wondered about the party that the guys kept talking about. As he rinsed his hair he wondered what they'd all end up doing. Billie didn't really think it would amount to much of anything, but part of him really wanted to stop by and hangout even though more of him didn’t want to embarrass Joey.

Out of the shower Billie finished off his first beer. He'd decided to only have two more, three in total. He'd save the other three for tomorrow. Despite what he'd promised Joey he knew he'd end up sitting around doing nothing, not doing something fun like he'd promised.

Back on the couch Billie had another beer in his hand. He took slow sips and he had something stupid up on TV. He felt bad for thinking it, but he was glad to be home. He loved Joey and by extension Joey's friends, he really did. They were great kids and Billie loved watching them on stage and in the studio. But at the same time Billie was so thankful that he was home, where he could relax and not be tense and worried about every little thing. He was glad he could take a breath and relax and not worry about if he was being present enough. Biting into his tongue he thought about how, above anything, he didn't want to let Joey down. He'd come out here specifically to spend time with him and he didn't want Joey to think he was always elsewhere, that he didn't want to be with him. 

Finishing his second beer Billie Joe got up and went into the kitchen and pulled out the third and his last for the night. He was a good drunk right now. Just drunk enough to be relaxed, to laugh and make stupid jokes, but not drunk enough to do anything stupid like piss all over the stage or slur his words. 

Back on the couch he saw his phone on the coffee table and picked it up. He had a few sips of the beer and channel surfed, phone in his lap while he pressed the buttons on the remote. Billie landed on something that looked really stupid – some reality show about surviving in the wilderness – and switched out the remote for his phone. He found Mike's name and even though he knew he shouldn’t have he tapped out a quick message.

_Hey, watching something stupid on TV and thought about u. hope the fam is good._

Billie sent it, having enough sobriety left to realize the text was kind of weird and out of the blue but being drunk enough to still send it without caring.

He wanted to text Adrienne something about how he loved and missed her and wanted her to be with him right now, but he had enough sense to put his phone down on the coffee table and not pick it up again. He knew he couldn't text her like that even though he wanted to.

When he finished his third beer he left them all lined up on the coffee table and in bed Billie rolled around and wished Adrienne was there. He wanted to put his head in her lap and he wanted her to run her fingers through his hair. She did that sometimes if he couldn't sleep and he wanted her to whisper to him and caress him and goddamnit, he wanted her to tell him that she loved him. He wanted to know that no matter how fucked up he got she would still love him and he absolutely hated himself for thinking that because Billie knew he didn't deserve it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone I hope you're enjoying this! Sorry it's a little late, as usual I'm pretty busy. Hope to have more up soon, as always please comment with your thoughts and thank you for reading! <3


	15. Chapter 15

The next morning Billie rolled around in bed again and didn't particularly want to get up. He had a gnawing feeling in the bottom of his stomach; all he could think about was how Joey had gone on about him getting out and doing something fun today. All he really felt like doing was rolling over and going back to sleep but he couldn't; he'd already tried to and it wasn't happening. 

Eventually, Billie dragged himself out of bed and into the bathroom. He took a piss and then went into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. While waiting for coffee he stumbled into the living room and picked up his phone from the coffee table. There were was a message – a text from Adrienne and two missed phone calls from her. 

Hey, just thought I'd try you. Thought maybe you got up early, but I'm guessing you had a late night with joey and the band. Give me a call whenever – I'm running some errands but I should be around. I love and miss you, 80.

Billie closed his eyes and looked at the time she'd sent the text again. Even factoring in the time difference she'd waited until more than a reasonable hour to try and call him. He knew she had probably expected that he had a late night with the band, but still. Biting into his tongue he thought about how he should have been awake, should have answered his fucking phone. 

The coffee pot beeped indicating that it was ready and Billie forced himself up off of the couch and went into the kitchen and poured himself a cup. First coffee, then I'll call 80 he told himself. You need to try and wake up and fucking relax before you talk to her. You can't spout off all that bullshit about missing her and wanting her to be there and needing her to hold you. You can't act like somethings wrong because everything is fucking fine.

While he sipped his coffee Billie flipped between different news stations, trying to find one that would hold his attention but couldn't really find anything. Instead he settled between flipping back and forth between two; at least that way he had something to watch when either went into a commercial break. 

When his coffee was mostly finished he took a big breath and let it out through his nose. He had to call Adie back, and as much as he missed her he really didn't want to hear her voice.

He slid his phone up to his ear and closed his eyes as he listened to it ring. 

"Hey, it's good to hear from you," her voice was all warm and Billie swallowed.

"Hey, yeah," Billie tried to take a breath when he was done.

"So how have you been? What have you been up to? Joey told me you guys went out for dinner with the band last night."

Billie had to think for a second about what had happened at dinner. He could remember how Cole ordered another beer, how he drank the first one really fast and then let the second sit for the rest of the meal, only occasionally sipping it. He could remember how Joey had started talking to him but he hadn't been paying attention. He could remember telling stupid stories and how Joey had made him promise to go out and do something fun today.

"I've been good," Billie mumbled it and started thinking about the three beers he still had left in the fridge.

"Yeah? That's good. Have you been getting anything done?"

Billie felt himself sinking down in to the couch. Yeah, he thought, I'm getting a lot of drinking done and I'm getting a lot of feeling sorry for myself in.

"Billie?" he head her voice, prompting him and he jammed his teeth down onto his tongue when he heard her.

"S–sorry," he said, trying to take a deep breath at the same time. "Was just thinking about something." He had to stop for a moment and take another breath, all slow to try and calm himself down. "Dinner was really good. Joey made me tell the guys all my stupid stories. And Joey and I hungout at MoMa yesterday which was really cool."

"That's good, I'm really glad," her voice was warm, but Billie could hear this hint of worry in her voice.

"So what about you? How's everything at home?" he had his eyes closed.

She went on for a little bit, telling him about how the store was doing well and how her and Jamie were putting the displays of clothing up. Billie only half listened and he probably should have felt more guilty for it than he did.

She stopped and Billie took another breath in. "That's good. I can't wait to see the displays you guys put up. I'll try and stop by next week."

"We can do lunch again. I really liked getting to see you in the middle of the day like that." Her voice was still warm and Billie wanted to lay his head on her shoulder while she talked.

"Yeah, that would be good….," he trailed off and thought about how he wanted to fall asleep all warm and in her arms.

"So are you up to anything today?" 

Billie shrugged before remembering she couldn't see him. "Ah, nothing. Joey's having practice and stuff. I didn't find anything to do yet, just hanging out."

"You should see if Jason would want to hangout with you," Billie made a face listening.

"Jason's around?"

"Yeah, I ran into Janna a few days ago. He's in New York to record a few things on some album. I forget what it is. But you should call him and see if he's free."

"Yeah, no I will then." Billie tilted the phone away from his mouth and let out a big breath. He really didn't feel like texting Jason. It wasn't that he didn't want to see him necessarily; it was just more that he just didn't want to go out. And he also knew he'd ask how the album was going and want to talk to him and he didn't really want to deal with that.

"I should probably get going, but I love you all right Billie? Go out and enjoy yourself today." He could picture her smiling as she talked and it made him bite his lip. Why did everyone keep telling him to have fun or enjoy himself?

Swallowing he said goodbye and part of him wanted to race home on the next flight he could get to California so he could be back in her arms. 

 

Billie sat on the couch flipping channels and thinking about what to do for the day for about twenty minutes before he finally texted Jason. 

Hey, Adrienne told me you were in town. I'm not doing anything today so let me know if you're free. 

He bit his lip and flipped back to his list of text messages. Glancing down he saw he'd missed a text from Mike.

Hey, I miss you too! When are you going to be back home? We should hangout!

Billie smiled, reading back over his slightly drunk message from the night before. He was glad Mike hadn't seemed to realize something was off (or if he had, he wasn't bothered by it). It made him feel better. 

I'm flying back late Monday. Maybe we could hook up Wednesday or something? Would you want to hangout at the studio? I don't have anything together but I kind of feel like fooling around.

Billie swallowed. The idea of hanging out at the studio sounded kind of stupid, but he thought it might be fun. And he thought maybe they could just hangout and play around on their instruments. Not do anything serious or focus too hard on trying to get anything done.

He put his phone down and went into the kitchen to make another cup of coffee. He put it on to brew and then went into the bathroom for a quick shower. He really wanted another beer but he was trying to wait until Jason texted him back so he could figure out if he was doing anything with him or not. 

Out of the shower Billie got coffee and saw his phone had a message from Jason.

Hey, sure! I didn't know you were here! I'm actually off toady – meet for a late lunch in an hourish? You can pick the place.

Billie let out a breath through his nose and thought about how they could go to this café he liked. They didn't serve alcohol so he knew that would help, or at least he hoped it would.

He had to take another breath as he tapped back a message to Jason.

 

Later that afternoon Billie sat waiting for Jason. He'd gotten there a little early so he ordered a coffee and found a place to sit. He felt like an idiot for not wanting to see Jason. There was this huge part of him that just wanted to barricade himself in his apartment and get drunk. He knew how fucking ridiculous it sounded, but he didn't want to have to see Jason and talk about the album or what Joey's band was doing or how Adie and Atomic Garden were doing he just wanted to be fucking home. 

Swallowing he saw Jason's messy hair in the crowd and put his hand up, smiling.

"Hey!" Jason smiled when he came over and Billie took a deep breath.

"Hey, how are you doing? It's good to see you." Jason came over and put his arm around Billie and squeezed him. He had to force himself to breathe in and out like normal. He felt like a fucking idiot for being so anxious, it was fucking Jason after all. He'd known him for years, but Billie couldn't shake the anxiety in the pit of his chest.

"I'm doing good! What are you doing out here? I didn't know you were in town," Jason seemed so genuinely happy to see him and even though Billie was an anxious piece of shit, it did make him feel better.

"Yeah, Joey's starting his tour soon so I just flew out to hang out with him before," Billie shrugged. He'd wanted to say something about how he was supposed to be taking time to work on the album or be away from it or whatever the fuck he was trying to do, but he opened his mouth and nothing more came out.

"That’s cool, is he excited?" 

Billie laughed, "Oh yeah, it's their first tour without parents so I'm sure it's bound to be an exciting one."

A smile slid across Jason's face as he finished. "Well in that case they're going to have a very good time," he laughed, too and it made Billie relax.

"Yeah, I had dinner with all of them last night and Joey had me telling all of them all my old stupid tour stories," Billie felt himself smile.

"Which ones?" 

Billie waved his hand. "Oh, you know. The time I got poison ivy everywhere, the time Mike got body lice in Germany…," he took a sip from his coffee cup and saw Jason smile.

"You should have told them about the time Mike tried to light a join in the van and caught your sleeping bag on fire instead. That one is practically punk legend by now!" 

Billie laughed, almost spitting coffee out of his mouth. "God, I forgot about that…" He could remember how pissed he was at Mike for that. He'd made Mike buy him a new, nicer sleeping bag and a $10 phone card so he could call Adrienne without having to scrounge for quarters. In hindsight Billie knew it had just been an accident, an accident that any one of them had been bound to make considering when they were in the van they were usually stoned out of their minds. 

"I don't know how you forgot about that! You guys always end up telling that story. You do a really great impression of Mike being stoned and realizing your sleeping bag is basically on fire," Jason said and Billie busted up laughing. "Seriously," he continued, "you gotta tell those kids that story. It's classic."

"Almost as classic as the throwing the TV out the window?" Billie asked.

Jason laughed. "I'd say it ranks up there, at least."

Billie took a sip of his coffee, still thinking about how he'd refused to talk to Mike for the rest of the way to the next venue and how Tre had tried to smooth it over by offering to let him use his sleeping bag and how he'd ended up sulking in the passenger seat the rest of the way instead.

"So how have you been doing Billie? It's felt like ages since we talked."

As he opened his mouth it dawned on him that besides a few text messages conversations he hadn't seen Jason since…since before rehab. The thought made him swallow and he forced himself to breathe and put it out of mind. "Ahh," Billie searched for what to say, cupping his coffee for warmth, "I've been okay. Hanging out with Adrienne and the boys a lot since I've been home. Adie's been doing a ton of stuff with Atomic Garden – you should really check it out if you haven't been in there for a while. Y'know, hanging at Broken Guitars some." He shrugged at the end and thought about how desperately he didn't want Jason to ask if he'd been working on a new album. 

"That's cool, I've just been home with the kids mostly. Janna has me take both of them to daddy and me classes each week," Jason said, smiling.

"Yeah? That's really cool. I'm glad you can be around for them right now," Billie said. Biting his tongue he thought about how he'd been gone on the road when Joey was little. Adrienne flew out with him almost every chance she got but Billie still sometimes felt like he'd missed out on way too much. 

"Yeah, I've been out here doing guitars on some albums as a side thing. It's kinda nice to keep doing stuff even if we're not right now."

Billie bit into his tongue when he heard him and felt guilty. 

"Yea–yeah, well," Billie stuttered and felt his breath get stuck in his chest. 

"The breaks been nice though. I think it's been really good for all of us Billie, I mean that," Jason was smiling; his head pressed forward a little, looking at him.

"Yeah, I–," Billie swallowed before continuing, "I hope it was. Is." He took another breath and wished they didn't have to have this fucking conversation. 

"It really has been." Billie noticed how Jason was trying to catch his eye and he bit into his tongue again.

"I–I'm really glad it's been good for you Jase," he said, his eyes stuck on the table.

It got quiet enough between them that Billie could hear the whir of the blender in the background and someone calling out a coffee order. The silence made him take a big breath in and out.

"Billie, is everything all right?" Jason's voice crashed into his ears and he wanted to bury his head in his hands and disappear. 

They were quiet for a little longer and Billie heard Jason start to say something but he pulled his head up, looking directly at him.

"Just, I've…," he had to stop and breathe, in and out all slow so he could finish. "Trying to work on the album and it's got me all fucked up." Billie wanted to say something about how he'd been so afraid of him bringing it up, how anxious it was making him and how stuck he was feeling but nothing more came out.

"Hey, Billie it's all right. Don't worry about it," Jason smiled, all kind and it reminded him of Adrienne.

Billie bit into his lip and Jason smiled again, though this time he looked more worried. "Listen, Billie, if the new album takes some more time that's okay. I mean, I think we all understand. I'd really rather if you took your time with it, honestly. I think that's what you need."

He put both hands around his coffee cup while Jason talked. "Yeah, I know. I just…I hate this interim. I hate being in-between albums. It's just hard. I want to work on stuff but it's just not coming out."

 

Jason frowned when Billie looked up. "It'll come. Just don’t stress, okay?"

Billie almost rolled his eyes. Yeah, sure I'll just not stress. Easy enough for me, he thought. He knew he was being stupid because Jason was trying to help and he also knew he was right, but being worried and stressed about it just wasn't something he could turn off. It wasn't something that had an off switch. It was always there and Billie was realizing he still didn't know how to deal with it.

"You wanna go wander around or something? There's a few stores I wanna check out. We cold hop on the subway and just hangout for the rest of the afternoon," Jason said.

Billie shrugged at first, thinking about the beer he had back in the fridge in the apartment. 

"Come on, it'll get your mind off things," Jason said, nudging his nearly empty coffee cup.

"All right," Billie said, he felt a thin smile spread across his face. 

 

They walked in and out of shops all afternoon and it had really helped Billie to calm down. They didn't talk about the album, instead Jason talked a lot about the new band he'd started A Band Called California. He promised to send Billie demos when he got back home and Billie felt relaxed as they wandered in out and of shops. At one of the last places they went into he found something for Adie. It was a painting of a rose, all distorted; he'd talked to the artist about it while she rang him up and he told her that his wife was going to love it. Afterwards, Billie texted Adrienne a picture of the bag, telling her that he had a surprise for her. She responded back with a two smiley faces and said I can't wait!!!

 

Billie and Jason went to hug before they split up for the evening. 

"Don't you keep stressing about the album, all right? Don't worry it. It'll come when it comes and if it's another year then it's another year. Seriously." Billie could tell he was squeezing him extra tight and he wished he could have stayed like that for a while longer when he felt him let go.

"Thanks Jase," he smiled and felt the breath get caught in his chest. He wanted to say something about how much he'd needed this afternoon but every time he opened his mouth he struggled for breath. Really, he wanted to tell him how if they hadn't hungout he probably would have sat in his apartment all day drinking beer and feeling sorry for himself. 

Jason said they should hangout when they were both home and Billie nodded and agreed. He felt Jason squeeze his shoulder just before they left and it made him miss Adrienne even more than he already did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while, so I thought I would give you guys a big update. I really hope you all enjoyed it! AS always, let me know your thoughts in the comments. Thanks for reading! <3 <3


	16. Life of the Party

The next day Billie did his best not to sit around in the apartment and feel sorry for himself. He got up early, or at least early for him and went to get coffee. He'd brought his laptop along with a few books he'd bought himself the day before with Jason. Billie didn't kid himself about being a reader. He wasn't really, but at the same time he knew it would give him something to poke at today and especially for the plane home. He wouldn’t have Joey to watch movies with so he knew he'd have to find something else to distract himself.

 

             He met up with Joey for lunch on his side of town. He hugged him outside before they went in and it made Billie feel all warm inside. Earlier in the day Adrienne had been texting him about how much she missed him and how glad she was that he was coming home soon. Thinking about it, he sat down and relaxed back into the chair as the waitress walked off.

             "So how was yesterday?" he heard Joey ask; he'd already started to flip through the menu and it took Billie a moment to process what he'd said.

             "Oh, it was good. Jason's in town which is great so we got coffee and wandered around all afternoon." Billie glanced down when he opened the menu and the beer sections starred right back at him. He swallowed and could hear Joey talking but didn't actually listen to what he said.

             When Billie looked back up Joey was reading the menu and he could feel his face get warm. You're such a fuck up Armstrong, he thought. You're always fucking doing this. You have to stop. Fucking pay attention to something other than fucking drinking for five seconds.

             He breathed in and out, trying to calm himself. "So are you guys almost ready for tour?"

             A big smile spread across Joey's face. "Yeah we are! I'm really getting excited now."

             "Good," Billie smiled back and told himself to relax. Everything's fine. You're fine. Just fucking relax for once.

             The waitress came back to get their drink orders and Billie felt thankful when Joey only ordered a water. He breathed in and out and ordered himself a cherry coke, hoping that it took some of his craving for a nice, big, cold refreshing beer away.

             "So is that big party still on for tonight?" he asked.

             Joey glanced up but looked embarrassed and Billie felt himself bite down on his tongue, not hard, but enough to know it was there.

             "Yeah. I mean, it's not going to be a big deal dad. Honestly, we'll probably end up watching Netflix or something." Billie could tell he was only pretending to read the menu this time instead of actually reading it.

             "What, you're not going to throw the TV out the window?"

             This got Joey to smile and made Billie relax some.

             Before saying anything Joey rolled his eyes. "I don't think so. What's the point of doing that anyway?"

             "The point?" Billie asked, almost laughing. "Come on, throwing a TV out the window is great. They make a huge crashing sound when they hit and the glass always looks so cool when it's broken, all spider webed and everything."

             "Plus," Billie continued, "I'm pretty sure it's in the punk bylaws that as a band you have to throw a few TVs out the window so you might as well get started now."

             Joey laughed and after a second Billie joined in.

             "All right, well if you say so I'll tell the guys," Joey rolled his eyes at the end and Billie laughed more.

             The rest of the evening was really nice, Billie had to admit. He didn't tell anymore of his stupid stories, but he did go over his whole spiel about what they should do if they go out on tour and the best food to eat the next day ("pancakes, because you're going to need some carbs to soak up whatever you drank and bacon so that you actually get some protein and go easy on the coffee – too much and you'll feel even worse when you crash").  Joey talked about how he had his iPad loaded up full of books and movies for the van and Billie went on about how lucky he was to have such a device and how when they got too bored back in the day they would practice throwing spit balls at each other (Mike, of course, was the champion).

             When they walked outside to go their separate ways Joey gave his dad a big hug. "I'll text you a lot, okay?" he said.

             Billie nodded and rubbed his head. "I know you will. Make sure you text your mom a lot too. I know she already misses you."

             Joey looked up, "I will," he said, half a smile across his face.

             "And call me if you need anything, okay?" Billie knew his voice sounded even here and he was thankful for it. He wasn't going to cry, but he still wasn't exactly sure if he was ready to set Joey free on his first no parents allowed tour.

             "I will, I will," Joey rambled and went around to squeeze Billie again. "I promise."

             Billie smiled, feeling satisfied. "Have fun," Billie squeezed back Joey this time before letting go.

             "I will, I'll see you later dad," Joey said as they parted ways.

             Billie waved at him again before turning around and swallowing.

 

             Sitting on the subway Billie thought about going to the liquor store. There was this part of him that didn't want any more beer and really wanted some fucking hard liquor instead. He knew he couldn't get a huge bottle, he knew he couldn't overdo it. He knew he had to get on a plane and go to Oakland tomorrow but he could have a little. Just a little, just a taste. And he'd buy something good. Really good. It would be a treat, he decided. You deserve it before going back home.

             At his stop he got off and on the steps he thought about how he should turn left and go the fuck back to his apartment instead of going to the liquor store. You're being fucking ridiculous, he told himself. You don't deserve a fucking treat. Half the time you were supposed to be with Joey you weren't even really there and you know it.

             Swallowing Billie pushed open the door to the liquor store and pulled the hood of his sweatshirt up. Walking the aisles he felt his chest get all tight and he didn't know what to do. It'll help you relax he told himself, you deserve it. He picked out a small bottle of vodka and could feel himself breathing in short little bursts instead of all calm and regular. At the register he felt like everyone was staring at him and he almost knocked the bottle down when he went to hand the cashier his $20 bill. She smiled, but he could tell she knew there was something wrong. She put it in a paper bag and Billie grabbed it and was out the door before she could say anything.

             Billie continued to breathe in short little bursts until he got back to his apartment and closed the door. He leaned against the door for a few moments until he could feel his breathing calm down and then kicked his shoes off and went into the kitchen to get a glass. He didn't pour a lot in, it was just enough. Just enough for now, he told himself. And anyway, it was a small bottle. Billie told himself he could only have half. Half would be fine, but more than that was too much. Billie would toss the rest of it down the drain and throw the bottle out his window before bed and no one would have to know.

             He'd had a glass and a half when his phone rang from the coffee table in the living room. Billie was just drunk enough not to think that he shouldn't be answering.

             "Hey!," Billie's voice boomed when he answered, sliding across and putting the phone up to his ear.

             "Billie Joe!" It was Seb's voice and he could hear Joey in the background telling him to give him his phone back and Cole telling him to be a good sport.

             "You should get your ass over here so we can have a real party," Seb said.

             "Yeah, come on Joey your dad can hang with us," Billie heard – he couldn't place who the voice belonged to.

             "I think I'll just stay here," Billie laughed and closed his eyes, thinking about how it would have been nice to hangout with all of them and how it would be nice to blow off some steam.

             "Oh come on, you're not doing anything, Joey said you're probably sitting around watching bad TV," Seb's voice sounded whiny and it made him smile. Joey knew him way too well and it kind of scared him if he was going to be honest.

             "Okay, sure I'll be over," Billie laughed and he heard Seb yell in triumph before he hung up.

            

             Billie finished his drink before he left – he figured there wasn't any point in letting it sit. He grabbed his wallet, put his shoes back on and grabbed his keys before leaving.

             On the way down the steps he tripped twice, both times catching himself. He swallowed and told himself he couldn't act like that when he got to Joey's. He had to sober up before then so he didn't act like a fucking idiot.

             He went a few blocks up before getting a cab. Getting inside Billie took a few deep breaths in and out. Fucking relax and don't fuck this up, he told himself. He couldn't help but feel a little excited, though, that his Joey's friends wanted to hangout with him. He knew they were all probably just fooling around, but still.

             He texted Joey when he got out of the cab and he had to concentrate on walking up the steps so he wouldn't trip again. The door open when Billie got there and he smiled stepping inside.

             "Hey guys!," Billie knew he was too loud but he couldn't help himself.

             Joey was sitting on the couch and looked up," Hey dad," he smiled, although he looked a little embarrassed and Billie started thinking about how he shouldn't have come.

             "Billie," Seb came over and slapped his arm against his back. It made him stumble forward. Seb started to apologize and Billie just laughed, feeling grateful that he had someone to blame.

             "It's so good to see you, you have to tell us all your stupid stories," Seb's head was against his face and Billie felt himself relax and pushed into him.

             "Yeah, okay," Billie smiled and when he turned his head around he saw a few bottles of alcohol on the counter of the kitchen; it made him swallow and he started wondering how he could have a drink without anyone noticing.

             "Who wants another drink?" he saw Cole appear in the kitchen in front of the bottles with a cocktail shaker in his hands. "Joey!" he pointed at him, "you need another drink!" Cole got a red solo cup out and started pouring something out.

             Billie was pretty sure he saw Joey roll his eyes from the corner of his eye but didn't say anything. Cole delivered Joey a drink and he watched him take a sip before saying, "thanks Cole."

             "Billie Joe! How about a coke?" Billie smiled when he heard Cole and turned around, facing the kitchen.

             "I'll get it myself, but thanks Cole," Billie took a few steps into the kitchen and opened the fridge.

             Cole said something in response to him but he didn't listen to what it was. He had the can in his hand and he grabbed a red solo cup to put it in, cracking the can open he looked at the bottles and wondered what he could mix in. He turned around quick, just to make sure no one was paying him any attention. They were all involved – Seb was drinking from his cup, Cole was talking to Joey and he saw Max in the corner fooling with the iPod that was hooked up to the speakers. Billie took a deep breath, waiting for the bubbles to settle before he grabbed the vodka and poured. It was too much, he knew, but he wanted it. Maybe, Billie thought, if Joey gets drunk enough he won't even notice.

             Billie went back to the living room, joining everyone.

             "Billie!" he heard Max's voice. "It's good to see you."

             Billie could tell he wasn't too drunk, yet at least, he swallowed and did his best to appear sober. "Yeah, you too," he mumbled into his red solo cup. He could feel the room spin, just ever so slightly and told himself he shouldn't have poured so much vodka in.

             "You going to come see our show this week? We're playing Webster again," he kept talking and Billie nodded, trying to keep up.

             When Max finished and was looking at him for a response he took a sip again to buy time. "Ye–yeah, I, uh. I'm heading back home tomorrow. But I know you guys are gonna be great. Adie and I'll be seeing you in Oakland though when you're home," Billie knew he'd slurred through at least some of that last sentence. He bit into his tongue telling himself he had to stop fucking acting like this.

             Max smiled, "Yeah! Hometown show. It'll be lit."

             Billie nodded, more enthusiastically than he needed to. "Yeah!" Billie fist pumped the air and after took another sip.

             Cole turned the music up – Dog Party was on a band that they'd all introduced him to when swmrs started playing shows with them.

             He felt Seb's arm go around his shoulders and Billie could tell, just from how he was standing, that he was absolutely plastered. "Billieee," he said, making him laugh; Seb reminded Billie of Tre, always trying to get a laugh out of whoever was around.

             "You–you gotta tell some of those funny stories," he stumbled over his words and Billie silently felt grateful that he was not the drunkest person at this party.

`            "Wha–what you wanna hear?" Billie had to take a deep breath in when he was done and for the first time realized how hard it was to try and be sober when he definitely wasn't.

             Seb started laughing and Billie took another breath. "Let's sit down." Seb slunk down onto the couch and Billie felt grateful that he didn't have to hold him up anymore.

             Billie took a sip before starting. "Did I ever tell you about the time Mike lit my sleeping bag on fire in the van?" Out of the corner of his eye he caught Joey's and he could see he was smiling; it made Billie feel better about being there.  

             Seb laughed and hit his leg, the others joining in. "He was trying to light a join and instead got my sleeping bag," Billie continued, "He ended up staring at it instead of trying to put it out." Billie went wide eyed, trying to demonstrate and could hear Joey laughing among the others.

             "Tre told me that story once," Joey interjected once everyone had quieted down some. "He said you spent the rest of the night sulking in the front seat of the van because your sleeping bag was ruined."

             Billie heard everyone laugh and smiled. "Yeah, well I also got a new sleeping bag and a phone card to call your mom, so I think I won in the end," he said, glancing in Joey's direction.

             Joey rolled his eyes and Billie just went for his drink again. Cole gave him a strange look from the corner and Billie could feel himself panic. I was too loud, he thought. I said something stupid or I'm acting funny. They're going to know.

He swallowed another sip and could hear Joey's voice, "Can I have a sip of your soda? That drink Cole made me tastes like shit."

Billie saw his drink sitting on the coffee table and felt himself freeze. He tried to open his mouth but nothing came out; he could feel himself panicking but it was like he couldn't do a damn thing about it.

"Dad?" Joey nudged him and he felt like he was brought back to life.

"Uh, I'll just get you one, okay?" Billie started to get up and Joey looked at him strangely, but didn't say anything.

He had to walk deliberately in order not to trip or look like he was as drunk as he felt. In the kitchen he bent down after opening the door and pulled out a coke for Joey. He took a deep breath before turning back aground and going over to him at his spot on the couch and handing it to him.

When he sat back down in his spot Cole joined him and started talking to him. Billie nodded a lot and took another sip of his drink even though he knew he should have dumped the rest of it down the drain. He knew he was plenty drunk now but he couldn't help how much he wanted to keep feeling this way. Cole was talking about music and if he was going to be honest, Billie was barely following him. Every time Cole looked for a response he nodded and mumbled something. Cole kept going, though and didn't seem to notice.

"Hey, Billie," Seb pushed himself next to Billie on the couch and he laughed. "Yo–you," he stumbled, "Did you ever hear the story about how Joey bought weed from this creepy guy at a show?"

Joey was standing across the room and when Seb finished he looked over, first at Seb and then at him. Billie smiled back and laughed. Of course that happened, Billie thought. He is my kid. What else would they be doing?

"So what happened?" Billie nudged Seb before hearing Max.

 "Seb you're a fucking idiot you weren't supposed to tell any parents about that," Max was glaring at him.

             "It's–," Billie felt the room spin as he turned to face everyone. It took him another second before he could talk. "It's okay, really. I think it's funny."

             Max still didn't look convinced and neither did Cole. Seb had started laughing and it made Billie smile. "I won't," Billie swallowed knowing he had slurred. "I won't tell anyone. Promise."

             They all relaxed and Billie smiled and he nudged Seb. "C'mon, I wanna hear the rest of the story." Billie spoke slowly and deliberately and he had a feeling it didn't hide how drunk he was any more. He put his cup on the coffee table and told himself he had to be done.

             "Well, it was…," Seb trailed off and turned to Max who was standing next to him. "how many years ago was it?"

             Joey spoke up from across from him. "We were 17, remember it was a few days after Max's birthday."

             "Oh, yeah," Billie heard Max. "Forgot about that."

             "It was Cole's idea," Seb started again and before Seb could start another sentence Billie heard Cole objecting. "Oh it was not. It was Joey's idea if it was anyone's."

             Billie looked up and saw Joey roll his eyes.

             "Well anyway," Seb exaggerated every word and it made Billie laugh. "We started talking to that girl we met after the show." Billie glanced around and saw Cole smile at the memory. He was guessing Cole had been the one with the crush on the girl.

             "Yeah, and she was the one who told us about that creepy guy who sold us weed," Max started and Billie laughed.

             "Why was he creepy?" Billie asked.

             Max sighed. "We snuck out of the hotel that night and met him behind some bushes. It was definitely weird."

             "Was the weed any good?"

             Joey shrugged. "I don't remember."

             Seb spoke up from next to him. "That's because you went back to the room and fell asleep before we could smoke any of it." Everyone started laughing and Joey rolled his eyes.

             "I'm sure you've been stoned enough times Joey," Billie said. In high school there had been a few times he came home and Billie thought he looked, well, high. He never said anything to Adrienne and Billie only really noticed because of how his voice sounded funny. Anyway, that first time he suspected it he went up and knocked on Joey's bedroom door. He invited himself in and closed the door behind him. "Are you high? Tell me the truth because I'm not an idiot and if you do lie I will tell mom."

             Billie remembered how Joey had looked panicked and before Billie could try and say something about how he wasn't in trouble he said yes. Billie made him promise that he would never get in a car with someone who'd been smoking (Billie had made that mistake way too many times and nothing too dumb had ever happened, but still) and that if he or any of his friends ever needed a ride home because of any reason he could call him or Adrienne and they would pick them up and they wouldn't be in trouble.

             "What other hijinks did you never tell your old parents about?" Billie had picked up his drink again for another sip.

             They all shrugged and Billie just smiled and laughed. He picked up his cup and noticed it was empty. He got up and turned back into the kitchen and pulled open the refrigerator and saw an open can of coke. He pulled it out and then turned to the alcohol bottles on the counter. Billie turned to glance back at the guys on the couch. Cole was fiddling with the iPod this time, turning up the music and the rest seemed engaged in conversation. They won't notice, he told himself. It'll be fine.  There hadn't been much soda left in the can and when Billie grabbed the vodka bottle and poured he knew there was more vodka than soda in the cup.

             Turning around to walk back into the living room Billie had to walk intentionally so he wouldn't trip all over the fucking place. He knew he looked like an idiot but at this point he couldn't help himself. Thinking about it like that Billie felt his stomach churn over and over. You're such a fucking idiot Armstorng. You should have just stayed the fuck in your apartment. You have to get your shit together.

             "Hey Billie, have you heard the new Fidlar album?" He heard Cole as he sat back down, taking a swig of his drink.

             "Yeah," Billie yelled and he knew he was being too loud but he didn't care. "They're lit."

             Everyone started laughing and Billie felt himself get all warm. They know you fucked up, he thought. They know you're fucking up. They know.

             "You're so funny Billie Joe," Cole slapped him on the back and he tried to laugh along with him except he just felt sick inside.

             After this, things got fuzzy. Billie could remember how he'd chugged a bunch of his drink – how so much of it tasted like straight vodka and how it burned his throat. How he knew he made a face and how he remembered Cole looking at him funny.

             There was a lot of laughing and he could remember Fidlar being on and Seb turned up the volume. He could remember laughing with the guys and how he every time he opened his mouth he knew he slurred and how Joey made a weird face at him, and it reminded him of Adrienne's "are you okay?" face and all he could think about was how much he fucking hated that look.

             He could remember how Seb had gotten another drink and how Billie had encouraged him to. He could remember cheering when Max did a shot and how he picked up his soda afterwards for a sip and Billie thought it was a pussy move. He could remember tripping over the carpet and how Seb had to catch him and how, how somehow he had become the drunkest person in the room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so sorry that this took so long -- I have been meaning to update...but life. At any rate, I made this chapter a little bigger to compensate for my being gone :). Thank you so much for reading and please let me know what you think! Love hearing from everyone <3.


	17. The Day After

The next morning Billie woke up on the couch in his apartment. He was still in his clothes from last night and his head was throbbing. After a long while of lying there Billie Joe pushed himself up. His back hurt – he hated that damn couch because of how uncomfortable it was. He stayed there for another moment before getting up and going into the bathroom and leaned against the wall while he pissed – getting it all over the toilet in the process. 

As he stood there Billie tried to think of what the next step was. It had felt like years since he was last this hungover – if Billie was going to be honest he felt like death. And then it hit him – coffee. Coffee would help. 

In the kitchen Billie dumped too much coffee in and hit start. He didn't even care that it would probably taste like crap, he knew it would help him wake up.  
Back in the living room he bent down to get the remote from the coffee table when he remembered: I'm supposed to be on a flight home. Fuck, shit, fucking motherfucker Billie thought. You're such a fucking fuck up. 

Sighing, he turned the TV on and stated trying to think of what excuse Adrienne would actually buy from him this time. He went to pick up his phone and made a face when the glass didn't feel smooth and bit into his tongue when he saw it: the screen was shattered – it started in the right hand corner and spider-webbed out. He thought for a moment – did I drop it last night? But Billie couldn't remember ever dropping his phone. 

He took a long breath out and closed his eyes before clicking his phone and watching it light up. His lock screen was still the picture of him and Joey from the other night on the subway and seeing it made Billie's stomach knot up. Seeing the time Billie realized it was a lot later than he thought it would be. There was a missed call from Adrienne and a voicemail. Billie didn't know what to think – the fact that he didn't have more missed calls or messages from Adie made him nervous. It was unlike her. He'd missed planes before and his phone had always been blown up by the time he got to it. 

He put the phone in his lap and he sat there for a few moments before deciding to listen to Adie's voicemail. 

"Hey, it's me," her voice didn't sound all warm like usual, instead it sounded tired and worn out and it made Billie bite into his lip. "Joey told me what happened last night. I'm going to fly out today – I'll be there late afternoon. Just stay at the apartment and wait for me. We'll go home tomorrow together. Bye."

Billie put his phone in his lap again. It took everything he had to keep breathing evenly. She didn't sound angry, but Billie knew she wasn't happy either. She'd sounded focused – she was in problem fixing mode and this time the problem was him. The thing that really got him was that she didn't even say I love you at the end, just bye. 

You finally fucking did it, Armstrong. You finally did it.

Billie only drank a little of the coffee he'd made. After listening to Adrienne's voicemail he didn't have much of an appetite. He ended up lying on the couch, his t-shirt pulled up over his head and the TV on. Really Billie wanted to get back into bed but he needed the background noise of the TV – he didn't even really know what was on but having the other voices swirling around in his head helped him feel a little more calm.

Billie wanted to pick up his phone and ask Joey what had happened. He couldn’t' remember. He laid there, closed eyes and tried to piece the night back together but nothing came. Billie knew he'd acted like a fucking idiot with the drinking. I wish I'd just never fucking went over there, he thought. It was ridiculous. You were trying to act like you're fucking twenty instead of almost forty five. Armstrong, you're such a fucking idiot.

At the thought of embarrassing Joey in front of all his friends Billie rolled over and shoved his head into the pillow, pulling his shirt back down over his face. Warm tears pressed into the pillow and all Billie could think was how he'd really fucking blown it this time. 

Billie fell asleep and didn't wake up until a lot later. His first thought was how his neck hurt from lying face down and how his head hurt so much worse than before. Billie got himself upright and sat there for a few more moments before realizing that the TV was turned off. He knew it had been on before he fell asleep – he could remember listening to an infomercial about an inflatable bed. Shrugging Billie got up to go into the kitchen, wondering if he had enough coffee left to put another pot on. 

Before he got there, though Billie realized who must have turned the TV off – Adrienne. There was a backpack by the door in the hallway along with a tiny suitcase. Billie started to swallow and then saw her appear in the doorway to the kitchen. 

"Hey, sorry," Adrienne paused, looking a little startled, "I came in and you were sleeping…I didn't want to wake you."

Billie swallowed and nodded even though it hurt to do so. The silence grew between them every second and Billie knew he had to say something to her but he didn't know what.

"Flight okay?" It slipped out of his mouth and Billie Joe knew he sounded like a moronic idiot. Flight okay. That's what you say to your wife when she has to fucking fly across the country because you got drunk off your ass?

She'd been starring at the floor and only looked back up for a second, and even then she mostly looked passed him. "It was all right," she had her arms crossed under her breasts and it made Billie take a big breath in and out – he knew it meant she was pissed.

"That's good. Been here long?" Billie kept trying to look at her and eventually gave up, looking past her. He didn't know what to say and felt like a fucking idiot for it.  
"Couple hours. I was going to leave soon to see Joey before the show," she still had her arms folded but she'd glanced up at him this time.

Billie swallowed and remembered how one of the boys had been talking to him about it, asking him if he was going to go. 

"We have a flight out tomorrow pretty early so I'm not sure if I'll stay for the whole show. I just thought I'd try and see him since I'm here." She'd gone back to not looking at him and Billie felt like he'd been punched in the gut.

"Oh, yeah, okay." He didn't know what else to say. There was part of him that wanted to explode about how sorry he was about everything – the wine he stole, how he'd acted like a fucking idiot the entire trip, how he couldn't help himself and got drunk on beer alone, and how he knew he'd acted like an ass to everyone last night including her. But mostly Billie just nodded and stared at the grains of the hardwood floor. What was he supposed to say to her?

"Are you going to be okay by yourself? I didn't think you'd really want to go tonight." She'd looked at him this time, although Billie knew from the tone of her voice and the look in her eye that this was purely damage control and nothing more.

"Uh, I'll be fine," Billie mumbled it and thought about how he did actually kind of want to go to the show. It would be a long time until Joey was home again and Billie really did want to apologize to him even though he knew he'd probably make an idiot out of himself and stumble all over his words. 

"Okay, well there's some leftover Chinese in the fridge from lunch. If you need anything you can text me, okay? I'll check my phone."

Billie nodded and watched Adrienne disappear back into the kitchen and return with her purse. "I'll see you then," she said, hand on the doorknob.

"Ye–Yeah, see you," Billie mumbled to the floor and didn't look up as she left.

 

Billie spent the rest of the evening eating cold Chinese food and wanting to text Joey. He still felt like complete shit, but his conversation with Adrienne earlier and everything with Joey was bothering him more. He would have gladly had a hangover like this the rest of his life if he could know that Adrienne didn't hate him and Joey wasn't too pissed off.

He kept the notes app open on his phone and kept trying to think of things to text Joey, but nothing seemed good enough. He had a feeling if he wrote Joey a fucking novel about how sorry he was and how he hadn't meant to embarrass him in front of his friends he wouldn't have read it. And Billie didn't blame him – he didn't need that from him. 

Sighing, Billie picked up his phone and pulled up his conversation with Joey.

_I'm really sorry. I know it sounds like crap but I am. I love you._

Billie swallowed and waited for the text to send. Closing his eyes he left his phone in his lap and jolted when he felt his phone vibrate. Glancing down at it Billie saw that it showed his message to Joey but said "message failed to send." He made a face, opened it and tried to send it again; this time it failed even quicker and Billie bit into his tongue.

Fucking piece of shit Billie thought, fucking piece of shit phone can't even send a fucking message. Taping the screen again Billie winced as a sharp piece of glass dug into his thumb. The message failed to send again and Billie felt everything inside him snap.

He jumped up, slamming his phone onto the coffee table. "Fucking piece of shit," Billie screamed and reached down to pick the phone up again, throwing it as hard as he could against the wall. Standing there Billie watched as it hit the wall, the glass completely shattering when it hit the floor.

Billie could feel his chest get all tight and he swallowed and thought about how much he didn't want to have a panic attack. His chest only got tighter so he balled himself up on the couch and tried to tell himself to breathe, but in reality it was so much more impossible than it sounded. Every time he tried to take a deep breath he took a three or four short ones instead. 

It took a while, and his chest ached dully the way it always did after a panic attack, but he eventually went into the bedroom and ripped the comforter and a pillow off the bed. He didn't really want to sleep next to Adrienne tonight and he had a feeling she didn't want to sleep next to him either so he curled himself up on the couch, pulling the comforter up and over his head. 

Sunlight woke Billie the next morning. The comforter wasn't up around his head anymore, instead half of it was on the floor. He blinked, and it took him a second to remember why he was lying on the couch and then everything clicked into place: you fucked up, he thought.

Swallowing, Billie made himself get up even though he felt even more sore than he had yesterday. He looked up at the coffee table, expecting to see his phone so he could see what time it was. It wasn't there, though and in another second Billie remembered throwing it in his rage last night; he took one big breath in and out and thought about how he was going to have to tell Adrienne about it and how he really didn't want to.

"Hey," Billie looked up and saw Adrienne standing in the entrance of the living room. "Did you want breakfast? I went and got muffins and I made some coffee."  
Billie nodded and had to wet his lips before speaking. "Sure." He took a slow breath in and out even though he knew it wouldn't really help him relax.

Billie couldn't decide from her tone if she was still mad at him or if she was getting over it or what. The fact that he couldn't figure it out already had his anxiety through the roof. He hated the uncertainty of not knowing what he was walking into.

In the kitchen Adrienne got him a plate for his muffin and poured himself coffee. He wanted to say something about how he could have gotten it himself, but when he opened his mouth nothing came out. Adrienne's laptop was open on the table and she clicked at it after sitting down, looking focused. Billie stared at his muffin, took another big breath and told himself he had to fucking say something to her even if it sounded stupid.

"How was the show?" he wanted to take a sip of his coffee, try to appear relaxed and natural, but he was too anxious to do anything but play with his wedding ring under the table.

Adrienne looked up from her laptop and paused. "It was good. I think the boys had fun."

Billie nodded and dug part of his fingernail into his skin instead of biting into his tongue. He really wished he had gone. He knew it would have been a disaster but Billie couldn't help but feel resentful that Adrienne had gone by herself and hadn't even invited him. 

"That's good," picked up the coffee cup with one hand and took a sip, trying to look more relaxed than he was. "Was it full?"

She nodded. "Yeah, not sold out but definitely full." Her eyes were back on the computer screen and Billie decided not to ask her another question. She didn't really seem to be in the mood to talk and if he was being honest he wasn't either.

He started eating his muffin and wished he had something else to focus on or stare at like Adrienne did. 

Billie was finished his muffin when Adrienne shut her laptop and looked up at him. 

"So we're flying back to Oakland today," she looked serious and it made Billie's insides knot themselves up. "And I did a lot of thinking about this, but I think it's better if you don't come home."

Billie knew his eyes got big and he knew he made a face even though he didn't say anything. 

"I called a few different rehabs and I found one that looks good. We're going from the plane to there. I–," Adrienne's voice broke off and Billie looked away from her. "I just think it's better right now for you not to be home."

Billie wanted to scream and yell and argue. He wanted to get angry and tell Adrienne it was all a bunch of shit and that he was fine and slam the door and not look back. 

Instead, he took a shaky breath and nodded at her. "Ye–yeah, okay."

Adrienne looked relieved and Billie wondered if she would ever let him come home again. She hadn't told him she loved him, hadn't touched or hugged him at all. In fact she'd barely talked to him. Billie knew she was pissed. Hell, he was pissed at himself.

Adrienne had a small smile on her face when he looked back up. She looked like she was trying to say "it'll be okay" and Billie smiled back at her even though he didn't really think it would be.

"I'm going to go get a shower. We should leave for the airport in another two hours or so," she got up and kept trying to smile.

"Sounds good," Billie nodded again and thought about how all he wanted to do was hug Adrienne and not let go.

They were about to leave, Adrienne had her suitcase by the door and Billie was trying to finish with last minute packing in his bedroom. He came across the painting he'd bought Adrienne and put it in his suitcase and thought about how pointless it seemed to give it to her now. Swallowing Billie shoved the last few things in and zipped it shut. 

Adrienne was staring at her phone, looking annoyed when Billie finally came out and it made his anxiety spike. It took her a second to look up, but when she did she didn't look as upset.

"Could you check to make sure the flights not delayed? For some reason my phone won't open the website," she looked at him expectantly.

"I–," Billie stumbled, "uh." He felt his chest get tight. You have to fucking tell her. You should have fucking told her before Armstrong. Now she's going to be even more pissed that you waited.

"Uh," Billie started again, "I broke my phone the other night, um…," Billie trailed off and gave Adrienne a quick glance before looking back down at the floor.

"Oh," her voice was soft and sounded surprised, like she didn’t know what to say.

"Sorry," Billie mumbled, taking another glance back up. She had her phone in her hand at her side and still looked surprised.

"No, it's okay. We can get you a new one later. We should get going, we can check on the flight when we get there," she said, moving to pick up her suitcase.

Billie tried not to be an anxious mess in the airport, but truthfully he kind of was. Adrienne didn't loop her arm around his waist or hold his hand for support and that combined with everything else meant that Billie spent most of his time trying to breathe deeply in and out (and failing).

At some point when they were going through security and he was having a hard time not panicking Adrienne shot him a "can you please fucking stop" look and it made Billie jam his teeth into his tongue. 

When they got to the gate Billie found a set of seats away from everyone and went to sit down. Adrienne left her suitcase with him, only taking her purse and went to go buy a coffee and a magazine for the plane. 

Billie knew she was also going to go to the bathroom and take some Xanax for the flight, too. He knew her routine and as he sat there trying to breathe deeply in and out, slow and even, he desperately fucking wished that Adrienne would have offered him one. He knew he couldn't fucking start with the pills again but just this once Billie wished he could have something to calm him the fuck down.

When Adrienne came back he'd been trying to find a way to lean into the plastic chair that was comfortable but nothing really worked. She smiled when she sat down and seeing her coffee Billie wished he had one too even though he knew the caffeine wasn't good for his anxiety. Adrienne already had her magazine open and Billie took a deep breath in and out and leaned his head onto her shoulder. She turned to him, looking annoyed and Billie bit into his tongue and sat back up.  


He wished he had his phone because at least then he could have listened to music or found something to distract himself with. Instead he sat there biting into his tongue and thought about how this time he'd fucked his marriage and his family up beyond repair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry, I'm horrible. Seriously, I totally should have updated this earlier. Life is hard, life is busy. But, I hope you've enjoyed -- your comments are awesome to get so please keep leaving them and let me know what you've enjoyed! As always, thanks for reading <3


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